Anne olunca anlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z sadece anneli\u011fin ne oldu\u011fu de\u011fil, kendimizin kim oldu\u011fudur asl\u0131nda. Bo\u015fluklar\u0131m\u0131z, hayallerimiz, korkular\u0131m\u0131z ve kayg\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131z da bebe\u011fimizin kunda\u011f\u0131yla birlikte kuca\u011f\u0131m\u0131za verilir. <\/p>\n\n
Hik\u00e2yemiz, \u201cBir bebe\u011finiz olacak!\u201d m\u00fcjdesiyle ba\u015flar. Bir canl\u0131n\u0131n i\u00e7imizde varolu\u015f ser\u00fcvenine \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 kabullenmek, ruhumuzda birbirine z\u0131t duygular\u0131 ye\u015fertir. Sevin\u00e7le kayg\u0131y\u0131, co\u015fkuyla korkuyu metcezir gibi ya\u015far\u0131z adeta. \u201cYa\u015fas\u0131n anne oluyorum!\u201d heyecan\u0131 ve \u201cAcaba nas\u0131l bir anne olaca\u011f\u0131m, bebe\u011fime iyi bakabilecek miyim?\u201d kayg\u0131lar\u0131 ayn\u0131 anda yan yana gelir. Do\u011fum an\u0131nda, sanc\u0131lar\u0131n da yard\u0131m\u0131yla, hayat\u0131m\u0131zdaki en b\u00fcy\u00fck sevincin ve sanat\u0131n zahmetsiz olmayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 anlar\u0131z. <\/p>\n\n
Bebe\u011fimizi kuca\u011f\u0131m\u0131za ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z andan itibaren de\u011fi\u015firiz. Sanki beynimizin loplar\u0131ndan ve kalbimizin odac\u0131klar\u0131ndan bir k\u0131sm\u0131n\u0131 s\u00fcresiz olarak bebe\u011fimize tahsis ederiz. Hi\u00e7 deneyimlemedi\u011fimiz bir a\u015fk ba\u015flar evlad\u0131m\u0131zla aram\u0131zda. Bebekken bizi \u00f6yle hayran hayran izler ki \u00e7ocu\u011fumuz, arada \u201cBana m\u0131 bak\u0131yor, yoksa ba\u015fka birine mi?\u201d diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden edemeyiz. O b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fck\u00e7e, her yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z onun g\u00f6z\u00fcnde ola\u011fan\u00fcst\u00fcd\u00fcr ve bunu s\u0131k\u00e7a \u015fa\u015fk\u0131nl\u0131kla ifade eder. Art\u0131k \u00e7ocu\u011fumuzun bir numaral\u0131 kahraman\u0131y\u0131zd\u0131r. <\/p>\n\n
Elimizde boya paleti, \u00f6n\u00fcm\u00fczde bir tuval, kafam\u0131zda canland\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z ideal \u00e7ocu\u011fu \u00e7izmeye koyuluruz. Her ne kadar onu model alsak da asl\u0131nda hayalimizi \u00e7izeriz. Bu sebeple resmimiz, ger\u00e7ekteki ki\u015fiyle ayn\u0131 olamaz. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00e7ocuk, zamanla kendini, yapabildiklerini ve isteklerini fark etmeye ba\u015flar. Hay\u0131r demeler, itirazlar ve geri bildirimler gelir arkas\u0131ndan. Kahraman anne, art\u0131k kusurlar\u0131 fark edilen ve hatta hi\u00e7 \u00e7ekinmeden ele\u015ftirilen bir konuma yerle\u015fir. Baz\u0131 anneler memnun olur bundan; \u00e7ocu\u011funa karakter kazand\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 ve kendisi olmas\u0131na izin verdi\u011fi i\u00e7in sevinir. Di\u011ferleri ise bu duruma i\u00e7erler; hayalleri ve planlar\u0131 ger\u00e7ekle\u015fmedi\u011fi i\u00e7in kendilerini ba\u015far\u0131s\u0131z hissederler. Baz\u0131lar\u0131 kendini su\u00e7lar: \u201cResimden daha iyi anlasayd\u0131m, b\u00f6yle bir sonu\u00e7 ortaya \u00e7\u0131kmazd\u0131.\u201d der. Az\u0131nl\u0131k bir kesim de \u201cElimden gelenin en iyisini yapt\u0131m.\u201d diyerek takdir eder kendini. <\/p>\n\n
\u00c7ocu\u011funu do\u011furan, sahip \u00e7\u0131kan, b\u00fcy\u00fcten, severken sayan, hi\u00e7bir ko\u015fulda yaln\u0131z b\u0131rakmayan ve hayat yolculu\u011funda ona e\u015flik eden her anne biriciktir. Do\u011fumla hem ayr\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z hem de kavu\u015ftu\u011fumuz yavrumuzu b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fcrken kendimizi de b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fcr\u00fcz. Eksik kalan yanlar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 tamamlama, unuttuklar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 hat\u0131rlama vakti ba\u015flar. <\/p>\n\n
\u0130\u015fte bu y\u00fczden, bu sefer bir farkl\u0131l\u0131k yaparak anneli\u011fe daha derinlerden bakal\u0131m istedik. Annelik alg\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 nerede olu\u015fturdu\u011fumuzu, sonras\u0131nda nas\u0131l \u015fekillendirdi\u011fimizi, evlad\u0131m\u0131za e\u015flik ederken ger\u00e7ek motivasyonumuzun ne oldu\u011funu sorgulamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. D\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcz handikaplar\u0131n sebeplerini bulmak ve en \u00f6nemlisi, bu yolda yaln\u0131z olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 g\u00f6sterip \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131zla kurdu\u011fumuz ili\u015fkiye, bir kez de al\u0131\u015f\u0131lm\u0131\u015f\u0131n d\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131karak bakabilmeyi denedik. Ve size, \u201cL\u00fctfen unutma de\u011ferli anne, seni duyan, g\u00f6ren ve anlayan birileri var!\u201d demek istedik. <\/p>\n\n
Kad\u0131n\u0131n anne olmaya giden s\u00fcreci, bebe\u011finden \u00e7ok \u00f6nce, \u00e7ocuklukta oynad\u0131\u011f\u0131 evcilik oyunlar\u0131yla ve k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck karde\u015f ya da kuzenlere g\u00f6z kulak olmakla ba\u015flar. Bu provay\u0131 da annesini modelleyerek yapar. Ya annesi gibi olmak ister ya da onun ge\u00e7ti\u011fi dikenli yollardan ge\u00e7memeye adar \u00f6mr\u00fcn\u00fc. Sonra etraf\u0131ndaki kad\u0131nlara, okudu\u011fu haberlere, kitap ve film kahramanlar\u0131na ili\u015fir g\u00f6z\u00fc. Evlenir, e\u015fine de annelik yapmaya ba\u015flar t\u0131pk\u0131 evcilik oyunlar\u0131ndaki gibi. Bir yeti\u015fkin oldu\u011funu unutup besler onu. Uyudu mu, \u00fc\u015f\u00fcd\u00fc m\u00fc, yorgun mu diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeye ba\u015flar. Erkekler de annelerinden g\u00f6rd\u00fckleri bu ilginin e\u015fleri taraf\u0131ndan da devam ettirilmesine \u00e7ok mutlu olurlar. Hele bu ilgiyi \u00e7ocukluklar\u0131nda g\u00f6rememi\u015flerse, keyiflerine diyecek yoktur. Zaten \u201cd\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fclmeyi\u201d, \u201csevilme\u201d olarak nitelendiren beylerin, e\u015f adaylar\u0131ndan talepleri de kendilerine bakmalar\u0131d\u0131r. <\/p>\n\n
Evi \u00e7ekip \u00e7evrilen, kendisi i\u015fteyken g\u00f6z\u00fc arkada kalmayan erkekler, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131 oldu\u011funda ise kendilerini ikinci plana at\u0131lm\u0131\u015f gibi hisseder. Baba olman\u0131n sevinci durulunca, kendilerine g\u00f6sterilen ilgi ve sevginin azald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 fark edip, e\u015flerine \u201cAma beni unuttun\u2026\u201d diye serzeni\u015fte bulunurlar. Baz\u0131 durumlarda, psikoloji literat\u00fcr\u00fcne girecek baba k\u0131skan\u00e7l\u0131klar\u0131 ile kar\u015f\u0131la\u015f\u0131r\u0131z. <\/p>\n\n
Anne olan kad\u0131n ise e\u015fini art\u0131k eri\u015fkin bir beyefendi ve ebeveynlik orta\u011f\u0131 olarak g\u00f6rmek ister. Bebe\u011fine e\u015flik edecek bir \u00e7ocuk de\u011fil, sorumluluklar\u0131n\u0131 payla\u015fan bir e\u015f arar. Ne var ki, d\u0131\u015far\u0131da \u201cd\u00fcnyay\u0131 y\u00f6neten\u201d ama evdeki manevi sorumluluklar s\u00f6z konusu oldu\u011funda \u201c\u00e7ocuk kalmay\u0131\u201d tercih eden beyefendi, kendi istek ve iradesiyle babal\u0131k makam\u0131n\u0131 de\u011fil, anne asistanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 se\u00e7er. \u201cBen anlamam, yapamam, elimden gelmez, sen daha iyi bilirsin\u2026\u201d gibi c\u00fcmlelerle sorumluluktan ka\u00e7arken asl\u0131nda kazan\u00e7l\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 san\u0131r. Oysa fark\u0131nda bile olmadan evdeki babal\u0131k ve erkeklik g\u00fcc\u00fcn\u00fc zay\u0131flat\u0131r. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc hayat\u0131n her alan\u0131nda oldu\u011fu gibi, evde de g\u00fc\u00e7 ve otorite, sorumlulukla do\u011fru orant\u0131l\u0131d\u0131r. <\/p>\n\n
Elbette kad\u0131n ve erke\u011fin f\u0131traten yatk\u0131n oldu\u011fu konular birbirinden farkl\u0131d\u0131r. Ancak ebeveynlik, her iki taraf\u0131n da ortak kabiliyeti ve sorumlulu\u011fudur. Nitekim Yaradan, \u00e7ocu\u011fun d\u00fcnyaya geli\u015fini bile anne ve baban\u0131n g\u00fc\u00e7lerini birle\u015ftirmesine ba\u011flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131r. <\/p>\n\n
Gel g\u00f6r ki, e\u015fi taraf\u0131ndan adeta alt\u0131n tepside sunulan \u00e7ocu\u011fun psikolojisi, e\u011fitimi, terbiyesi ve maneviyat\u0131 gibi konular\u0131n bakan\u0131 ilan edilen anne, bu koltu\u011fu kimseyle payla\u015fmaya pek niyetli de\u011fildir. Hatta \u00e7ocuklar\u0131 b\u00fcy\u00fcse de, kendini \u201cen de\u011ferli\u201d ve toplum taraf\u0131ndan \u201cen \u00e7ok takdir edilen\u201d makamda, yani annelik koltu\u011funda g\u00f6rmeye devam eder ve buradan kolay kolay kalkmak istemez. \u00d6yle ki kay\u0131nvalide oldu\u011funda, annesi olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 gelini ya da damad\u0131 \u00fczerinde de ayn\u0131 otoriteyi s\u00fcrd\u00fcrme arzusuna kap\u0131labilir.Hi\u00e7 de ger\u00e7ek\u00e7i olmayan bu arzusuna ula\u015famay\u0131nca da ka\u00e7\u0131n\u0131lmaz olarak sorunlu ili\u015fkiler ortaya \u00e7\u0131kar. Dahas\u0131, onu o makama ta\u015f\u0131yan evlatlar\u0131n\u0131 ve dolay\u0131s\u0131yla annelik stat\u00fcs\u00fcn\u00fc kaybetme korkusu ba\u015f g\u00f6stermeye ba\u015flar.Psikolog Do\u011fan C\u00fccelo\u011flu\u2019na g\u00f6re, kad\u0131n toplumda, i\u015f hayat\u0131nda, hatta aile i\u00e7inde yaln\u0131zca kad\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ve di\u015fili\u011fiyle var olmas\u0131n\u0131n engellenmesi nedeniyle, g\u00f6zde olabilece\u011fi tek s\u0131fat olarak anneli\u011fe odaklan\u0131yor ve enerjisinin b\u00fcy\u00fck bir k\u0131sm\u0131n\u0131 bu alana y\u00f6nlendiriyor. <\/p>\n\n
Bu durumu ba\u015fta e\u015fi olmak \u00fczere, evlatlar\u0131 da destekledi\u011finde, anneli\u011fi kendi kimlik in\u015fas\u0131na bir tu\u011fla yapmak yerine, varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 anneli\u011fe adayan bir kad\u0131n nesli ortaya \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yor. C\u00fccelo\u011flu\u2019na g\u00f6re bir ailede sosyal rollere dayal\u0131 bir ili\u015fki bask\u0131nsa, yani salt kad\u0131n ya da erkek olarak var olma zemini yoksa, o ailenin ger\u00e7ek anlamda mutlulu\u011fu yakalayabilmesi zorla\u015f\u0131yor. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bu t\u00fcrl\u00fc ailelerde e\u015fler, yaln\u0131zca \u00f6zel hayatlar\u0131nda birbirlerini kad\u0131n ve erkek olarak g\u00f6r\u00fcrken, sorumluluklar s\u00f6z konusu oldu\u011funda anne ve \u00e7ocuk ili\u015fkisine b\u00fcr\u00fcnerek bir yan\u0131lsama i\u00e7ine giriyor. <\/p>\n\n
\u00d6ncelikle kad\u0131n ve erkek olarak bir ili\u015fki in\u015fa edilmeli, ard\u0131ndan kar\u0131 kocal\u0131k ve anne babal\u0131k rolleri devreye girmeli. Dr. G\u00fclcan \u00d6zer\u2019e g\u00f6re e\u011fer anne kad\u0131n, kad\u0131na; m\u00fcdahaleyi sevilmek zanneden erkek \u00e7ocu\u011fu da erke\u011fe d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fmezse, evliliklerde s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 \u00e7ok olur. Aksi takdirde, kad\u0131n, herkese annelik yapmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rken a\u015f\u0131r\u0131 yorulur ve sorumluluklar\u0131yla do\u011fru orant\u0131l\u0131 olarak beklentilerini art\u0131r\u0131r. Bu beklentiler kar\u015f\u0131lanmad\u0131\u011f\u0131nda, \u201csa\u00e7\u0131n\u0131 s\u00fcp\u00fcrge etti\u011fi\u201d h\u00e2lde yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u015flerin g\u00f6r\u00fclmedi\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr, etraf\u0131ndakileri nank\u00f6rl\u00fckle su\u00e7lar ve kendini anla\u015f\u0131lmam\u0131\u015f hisseder. <\/p>\n\n
Ard\u0131ndan hayal k\u0131r\u0131kl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ve de\u011fersizlik duygusu ortaya \u00e7\u0131kar. Ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131na \u00f6fke duyar ve kendisini anlamayanlar\u0131 su\u00e7lar. Bu \u00f6fkeyi bazen orant\u0131s\u0131z bir \u015fekilde d\u0131\u015fa vurur, bazen de i\u00e7ine atar. Her iki durumda da hem kendisi zarar g\u00f6r\u00fcr hem de ba\u015fkalar\u0131na zarar verir. Sonu\u00e7 olarak, e\u015fi taraf\u0131ndan yaln\u0131zca \u201c\u00e7ocuklar\u0131n\u0131n annesi\u201d olarak g\u00f6r\u00fclmeye ba\u015flan\u0131r ve bir kad\u0131n olarak be\u011fenilmedi\u011fini hisseder. Bu durum, bir kad\u0131n i\u00e7in yetersizlik ve de\u011fersizlik duygular\u0131n\u0131n kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 aralar. <\/p>\n\n
\u201cO zaman sadece \u00e7ocuklar\u0131ma annelik yapay\u0131m.\u201d diyerek, maddi destek d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n\u0131n her \u015feyinden sorumlu devlet bakan\u0131 oldu\u011funu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnen di\u015fi ku\u015f, erke\u011fi yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 yuvadan d\u0131\u015flamak ister. Ancak Psikolog T\u00fclay K\u00f6k\u2019e g\u00f6re kar\u015f\u0131m\u0131zdaki ki\u015finin sorumsuz ya da az sorumlu olmas\u0131nda bizim de pay\u0131m\u0131z var. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc i\u015flerin istedi\u011fimiz gibi olmas\u0131n\u0131n bedeli, her \u015feyi kendimizin yapmas\u0131d\u0131r. E\u011fer her \u015feyi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmekten yorulduysak, g\u00fcvenmeyi, b\u0131rakmay\u0131 ve evdekiler bize g\u00f6re hatal\u0131 i\u015fler yap\u0131yorlarsa buna katlanmay\u0131 \u00f6\u011frenmemiz gerekir. Zira b\u00fcy\u00fck g\u00fc\u00e7, b\u00fcy\u00fck sorumluluk getirir. \u201cSorumlulu\u011fu kocam als\u0131n ama i\u015fleri benim istedi\u011fim \u015fekilde yaps\u0131n dedi\u011fimizde, imk\u00e2ns\u0131z\u0131 istemi\u015f oluruz.\u201d diyen K\u00f6k, kar\u015f\u0131m\u0131zdakine f\u0131rsat vermezsek ve o da bu f\u0131rsat\u0131 isteyip de\u011ferlendirmezse, \u201cHer \u015feyi ben yap\u0131yorum, erke\u011fe ne gerek var?\u201d diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnerek mutsuz oldu\u011fumuzu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyor. Hatta ona g\u00f6re bu duruma tahamm\u00fcl edemedi\u011fimiz i\u00e7in ili\u015fkimize son vermek bile isteyebiliriz. <\/p>\n\n
Sorumluluklardan kast\u0131m\u0131z, yaln\u0131zca ev i\u015flerinin payla\u015f\u0131lmas\u0131 de\u011fil elbette. As\u0131l mesele, anne ve baban\u0131n e\u015fit bir bi\u00e7imde \u00e7ocuklardan sorumlu devlet bakanlar\u0131 gibi hissedebilmesi. Aksi takdirde, bir s\u00fcre sonra kad\u0131n di\u015fil, erkekse eril \u00f6zelliklerini kaybetmeye ba\u015fl\u0131yor. Eril ve di\u015fil olmak, s\u0131kl\u0131kla kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131r\u0131lsa da, erkek ve kad\u0131n olmakla ayn\u0131 \u015fey de\u011fil. Bu kavramlar, t\u0131pk\u0131 Arap\u00e7adaki m\u00fczekker (erkek) ve m\u00fcennes (di\u015fi) kavramlar\u0131n\u0131 belirleyen \u00f6zelliklere benziyor. Bu mant\u0131kta, bir insan\u0131n \u015fefkat duygusu, manevi feyizleri di\u015fillik \u00f6zellikleriyken; idarecilik, liderlik gibi vas\u0131flar\u0131 ise erillikle a\u00e7\u0131klan\u0131r. Her insanda eril ve di\u015fil \u00f6zellikler bulunur, fakat ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131 cinsiyete g\u00f6re bir taraf\u0131 daha bask\u0131n olur. Yine de, bu iki \u00f6zellik aras\u0131ndaki denge sa\u011fland\u0131\u011f\u0131nda daha sa\u011fl\u0131kl\u0131 bir durum ortaya \u00e7\u0131kar. Genellikle erillik ve di\u015fillik kavramlar\u0131, kad\u0131n\u0131n dominant olmas\u0131 veya erke\u011fin k\u0131l\u0131b\u0131kla\u015fmas\u0131 \u015feklinde alg\u0131lansa da asl\u0131nda mesele, karakterde ortaya \u00e7\u0131kar. <\/p>\n\n
Psikiyatr G\u00fclcan \u00d6zer, \u201cMemleketim kad\u0131n\u0131n\u0131 sakatlar, cinsiyetiyle s\u0131nar ve g\u00fcn\u00fcn sonunda cinsiyetsizle\u015ftirir.\u201d diyor bu noktada. \u00d6zer\u2019e g\u00f6re kad\u0131n kendini ger\u00e7ekle\u015ftiremedik\u00e7e \u00f6fkesi art\u0131yor. Kad\u0131n \u0130svi\u00e7re \u00e7ak\u0131s\u0131 gibi her yere yeti\u015fmek i\u00e7in \u201cher \u015feyden biraz\u201d olmaya ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131nda, hi\u00e7bir \u015feyde tam anlam\u0131yla huzur bulam\u0131yor. Bu yetersizlik duygusu, annelikte zirveye ula\u015f\u0131yor. Kad\u0131n sahip oldu\u011fu e\u011fitim, kabiliyet ve birikimle toplumun ona verdi\u011fi \u201cSen yapars\u0131n!\u201d gaz\u0131n\u0131 yak\u0131t yaparak, ralli arabas\u0131 gibi hareket etmeye ba\u015fl\u0131yor anne oldu\u011funda. Ancak Psikolog T\u00fclay K\u00f6k\u2019\u00fcn deyimiyle sahip oldu\u011fu \u015feyler onu sadece g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc g\u00f6steriyor; g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc yapmaya yetmiyor. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ger\u00e7ek anlamdaki di\u015filik g\u00fcc\u00fc sahip olduklar\u0131m\u0131zla azalan ya da sahip olamad\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131zla \u00e7o\u011falan bir g\u00fc\u00e7 de\u011fil! <\/p>\n\n
Kendini s\u00fcper kahraman gibi hisseden veya \u00e7evresi taraf\u0131ndan b\u00f6yle g\u00f6r\u00fcl\u00fcp s\u00fcrekli taleplerle kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fan anne, bir s\u00fcre sonra kendisini suyun ak\u0131\u015f\u0131na b\u0131rak\u0131r ve kendinden vazge\u00e7er. T\u00fcm hayat\u0131n\u0131 ba\u015fkalar\u0131 i\u00e7in ya\u015famaya ba\u015flar. Hayattaki di\u011fer b\u00fct\u00fcn s\u0131fatlar\u0131n\u0131, hatta bazen kullu\u011fu da dahil olmak \u00fczere, anneli\u011finin gerisinde b\u0131rak\u0131r. <\/p>\n\n
Alternatif olarak, sudan \u00e7\u0131kar; kendisini, suyu ve i\u00e7inde bulundu\u011fu durumu fark eder. \u0130radesini kullanarak ve kendisiyle y\u00fczle\u015fme cesaretini g\u00f6stererek, suyu ar\u0131nd\u0131r\u0131r, gerekirse h\u0131z\u0131n\u0131 dengelemek i\u00e7in barajlar kurar ve yeniden i\u00e7ine girer. Bu sefer, keyifle annelik ser\u00fcvenine devam eder. <\/p>\n\n
Ancak daha k\u00f6t\u00fc bir durum da m\u00fcmk\u00fcnd\u00fcr: Kula\u00e7 atamayacak kadar t\u00fckenmi\u015f hissedebilir ve kendisinden tamamen vazge\u00e7er. T\u00fckenmi\u015flik sendromuyla, \u201cYaz\u0131klar olsun verdi\u011fim emeklere!\u201d diyerek ne annelikten zevk al\u0131r ne de hayattan. <\/p>\n\n
Annelerin bir k\u0131sm\u0131 ise suyu bile kontrol etmeye kalkar. Obsesif tav\u0131rlar sergileyip anneli\u011fini \u201cyap\u0131lmas\u0131 gerekenler listesi\u201d ile \u00f6zde\u015fle\u015ftirir. Do\u011fan C\u00fccelo\u011flu\u2019nun ifadesiyle, iyi niyetle de olsa \u00e7ocu\u011funun hayat\u0131n\u0131n direksiyonuna oturur, onu babas\u0131ndan bile korur! Hayata kayg\u0131yla yakla\u015f\u0131r, sorumluluklar\u0131n\u0131 ihmal etmekten ve hem kendinin hem de \u00e7ocu\u011funun hata yapmas\u0131ndan korktu\u011fu i\u00e7in, fark\u0131nda olmadan kontrolc\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcyle \u00e7ocu\u011funun ruhunu zehirler. <\/p>\n\n
Peki ne oluyor da annelikte ger\u00e7eklik alg\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 az da olsa yitiriyoruz? Cevap, Dr. G\u00fclcan \u00d6zer\u2019den geliyor: \u201cGer\u00e7ekle en zay\u0131f ili\u015fki, annelikte kurulur. \u0130nsan\u0131n o kendisinde g\u00f6rmeye utand\u0131\u011f\u0131, ehlile\u015ftirmeye \u00f6m\u00fcr adad\u0131\u011f\u0131 ne varsa \u00e7\u0131kar. Adaletli olmak, tevazu g\u00f6stermek, d\u00fcnyay\u0131 oldu\u011fu gibi anlamak rafa kalkar ve aidiyet, sisteme h\u00e2kim olur\u2026 Anne olmak, daima orta karar bir \u015fuursuzluk ve en \u015fahane \u00e7ocuk fantezisi bar\u0131nd\u0131r\u0131r. Kim olursak olal\u0131m, okuryazar, entelekt\u00fcel, okumaz yazmaz, ne\u015feli, s\u0131k\u0131c\u0131\u2026 Anne olmak, kad\u0131nlar\u0131 bir potada eritir.\u201d <\/p>\n\n
Annelikle birlikte gelen bu \u201corta karar \u015fuursuzluk\u201d h\u00e2li, hem kendimizi hem de \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 ger\u00e7ek d\u0131\u015f\u0131 bir aynada g\u00f6rmemize neden olur. Bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te, kimimiz var olan ger\u00e7ek g\u00fcc\u00fcn\u00fc ve yeteneklerini fark etmeden, \u201cBen bu i\u015fi beceremiyorum!\u201d diyerek hay\u0131flan\u0131r; kimimiz ise halterci gibi kariyerini, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n\u0131 ve di\u011fer b\u00fct\u00fcn rollerini ayn\u0131 anda ba\u015far\u0131yla ta\u015f\u0131maya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131r. \u0130\u015fin evlatlara bakan yan\u0131ndaysa, kimimiz \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n\u0131 olduklar\u0131ndan \u00e7ok farkl\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcp idealize ederken, kimimiz de kendi \u00f6zg\u00fcvensizliklerimizi fark\u0131nda olmadan onlara yans\u0131t\u0131r\u0131z. Bu ba\u011flamda Dr. Gabor Mate, bir \u00e7ocu\u011fa verilebilecek en b\u00fcy\u00fck hediyenin, ebeveynin kendi travmalar\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7\u00f6zmesi oldu\u011funu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyor: \u201cSana olmamas\u0131 gerekenler olmu\u015f ya da olmas\u0131 gerekenler olmam\u0131\u015f\u2026 E\u011fer sen ebeveynlerinin fark\u0131nda olarak ya da olmayarak sana verdi\u011fi zarardan daha az\u0131n\u0131 evlatlar\u0131na verirsen, ba\u015farm\u0131\u015fs\u0131n demektir.\u201d <\/p>\n\n
\u0130\u015fte bu, daha az zarar verme aray\u0131\u015f\u0131, hi\u00e7 hata yapma l\u00fcks\u00fcn\u00fcn olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir m\u00fckemmeliyet\u00e7ili\u011fe d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrse, anneli\u011fimizde su\u00e7lama ve su\u00e7lanma d\u00f6ng\u00fcs\u00fcne yol a\u00e7\u0131yor. Ya kimseye ihtiya\u00e7 duymadan evlad\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n her hatas\u0131n\u0131 kendi hatam\u0131z gibi kabul ediyor ve kendimize y\u00fckleniyoruz, ya da \u00e7ocuktan sorumlu devlet bakan\u0131 olarak, ba\u015fta e\u015fimiz olmak \u00fczere herkes parmakla i\u015faret edip \u201cYaz\u0131k, yeti\u015ftirememi\u015f!\u201d diyerek bizi su\u00e7luyor. <\/p>\n\n
Mate\u2019e g\u00f6re, bu su\u00e7luluk duygusunun temelinde toplumun kad\u0131nlar\u0131, ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n ihtiya\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 kendi ihtiya\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcne koymaya ve onlardan sorumlu hissetmeye itmesi yat\u0131yor. \u00dcstelik, bunu yaparken kad\u0131nlardan \u00f6fkesini bast\u0131rmalar\u0131 ve nazik olmalar\u0131 da bekleniyor. \u0130\u015fte bu y\u00fczden otoimm\u00fcn hastal\u0131klar, \u00f6zellikle kad\u0131nlar\u0131n kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 s\u0131k\u00e7a \u00e7al\u0131yor. <\/p>\n\n
\u00d6ncelikle, \u201cHer h\u00e2l\u00fck\u00e2rda \u015fahane anneleriz, sadece biraz kalite kontrole ihtiyac\u0131m\u0131z var.\u201d diyerek morallerimizi y\u00fckseltece\u011fiz. Ard\u0131ndan derin bir nefes al\u0131p, kendimize ve anneli\u011fimize d\u0131\u015far\u0131dan bakmay\u0131 deneyece\u011fiz. Evlad\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n ayakkab\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 giyip, onun g\u00f6z\u00fcnden anneli\u011fimizi g\u00f6rmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015faca\u011f\u0131z. Kafam\u0131zdaki ideal \u00e7ocukla, evlad\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n uyu\u015fup uyu\u015fmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n fark\u0131na varaca\u011f\u0131z. Onu bizim istedi\u011fimiz en iyi \u015fekle sokmak yerine, ondaki malzemelerle nas\u0131l iyi bir \u00e7ocuk yeti\u015ftirebilece\u011fimize odaklanaca\u011f\u0131z. Onunla ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z \u00e7at\u0131\u015fmalar\u0131, zorland\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z noktalar\u0131 nimet bilip, i\u00e7 d\u00fcnyam\u0131zda neleri harekete ge\u00e7irdi\u011fini ke\u015ffedece\u011fiz. Kendi y\u00fcklerimizi, t\u00fcm bu fark\u0131ndal\u0131klar vesilesiyle ona ta\u015f\u0131tmaktan vazge\u00e7ece\u011fiz. Bu d\u00fcnyaya, anneli\u011fi \u00f6\u011frenmi\u015f bir \u015fekilde gelmedi\u011fimizin idrakine vararak, yavrumuzla birlikte anneli\u011fimizi de b\u00fcy\u00fctece\u011fiz.Buradaki b\u00fcy\u00fcmenin, her \u015feyi kapsayacak kadar devle\u015fmek olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 anlayacak ve kapasitemizin fark\u0131nda olarak hareket edece\u011fiz. Her \u015fey olal\u0131m derken, hepten kendimizi kaybetmeyece\u011fiz. Biraz yava\u015flamay\u0131, baz\u0131 \u015feyleri b\u0131rakabilmeyi \u00f6\u011frenip e\u015flerimize alan a\u00e7aca\u011f\u0131z. Babal\u0131k m\u00fcfetti\u015fi de\u011fil, anne olaca\u011f\u0131z. E\u015flerimiz istese dahi onlar\u0131 \u00e7ocuk yerine koymaktan vazge\u00e7ece\u011fiz. Kontrol\u00fc b\u0131rakam\u0131yorsak, i\u015fler planlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z gibi gitmeyince \u00e7\u0131ld\u0131r\u0131yorsak ya da tam tersi, bunlar g\u00fcndemimizde bile yoksa, bunun sebeplerini arayaca\u011f\u0131z. Gerekirse destek alaca\u011f\u0131z. Vakit israf\u0131 olan kuru \u015fik\u00e2yeti b\u0131rak\u0131p, daha kaliteli annelik i\u00e7in vakit kaybetmeden ad\u0131m ataca\u011f\u0131z. Elbette bu s\u00fcre\u00e7 kolay olmayacak; bu y\u00fczden kendimize kar\u015f\u0131 \u015fefkatli olaca\u011f\u0131z. <\/p>\n\n
Babalar da \u201c\u015fahane babalar\u201d olman\u0131n hakk\u0131n\u0131 vererek \u201cmuhte\u015fem babalara\u201d d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fecekler. E\u015flerini, \u00e7ocuklardan sorumlu yeg\u00e2ne varl\u0131k gibi g\u00f6rmekten vazge\u00e7ip, makamlar\u0131n\u0131n hakk\u0131n\u0131 verecekler. \u00c7ocuklar\u0131n\u0131, annelerinin ikaz\u0131yla yat\u0131rd\u0131klar\u0131 her gece, h\u00e2l\u00e2 asistan anne olduklar\u0131n\u0131 fark edecekler. Evi ge\u00e7indirmenin sadece maddiyat\u0131 de\u011fil, maneviyat\u0131 da kapsad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n bilincine varacaklar. Aile i\u00e7i hak ihlallerine mani olup, k\u0131zlar\u0131n\u0131n anneleri gibi olmak istemelerine zemin haz\u0131rlayacaklar. E\u015fleri onlara alan a\u00e7\u0131p pas verdi\u011finde, tak\u0131m ad\u0131na gol atmay\u0131 bilecekler. Kendi babalar\u0131n\u0131n be\u011fenmedikleri \u00f6zelliklerini kopyalamak yerine, onlardan devrald\u0131klar\u0131 miras konusunda se\u00e7ici olup yeni bir model geli\u015ftirecekler. Babal\u0131\u011f\u0131 daha iyi \u00f6\u011frenmek i\u00e7in kitaplar okuyacak, seminerlere kat\u0131lacak ve e\u011fitimler alacaklar. B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131 yaparken att\u0131klar\u0131 her ad\u0131m\u0131 takdir ederek yollar\u0131na devam edecekler. <\/p>\n\n
\u0130\u015fte o zaman, \u201cM\u00fcmin erkeklerle m\u00fcmin kad\u0131nlar birbirlerinin velileri, yard\u0131mc\u0131lar\u0131d\u0131r. Onlar iyilikleri te\u015fvik edip k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fckleri menederler.\u201d (Tevbe suresi, 9\/71) ayetinin anlam\u0131 daha derinden hissedilecek. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ma\u011fdur olmayan ve ma\u011fdur etmeyen e\u015fler, birbirlerini daha g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc k\u0131lacak, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131na daha sa\u011flam bir temel sunacak ve en \u00f6nemlisi, \u015fahane anneler ve babalar olacaklar. <\/p>\n\n
\u201cAnnelik ve ana rahmi, bizzat Kur\u2019an\u2019\u0131n bildirmesiyle, kutsald\u0131r. Bu y\u00fczden \u201canne\u201d kelimesi herhangi bir zamanda \u00e7irkin bir \u015fekilde, birine k\u00fcfretmek veya onu a\u015fa\u011f\u0131lamak i\u00e7in kullan\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131nda, o ki\u015fi sadece muhatab\u0131na kar\u015f\u0131 su\u00e7 i\u015flemi\u015f olmaz! As\u0131l Allah\u2019a kar\u015f\u0131 bir su\u00e7 i\u015flemi\u015f olur. O zaman nas\u0131l oluyor da hemen hemen her dilde en \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fcye kullan\u0131lan kelimelerden biri \u201canne\u201d kelimesi oluyor? Oysa k\u00fclt\u00fcrler ve inan\u00e7lar olduk\u00e7a farkl\u0131. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u015feytan, ayn\u0131 \u015feytan ve Allah\u2019\u0131n ana rahmini kutsal k\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 biliyor. Bu y\u00fczden insan\u0131n Rabb\u2019inden uzakla\u015fmas\u0131n\u0131 istiyor ve ona ayn\u0131 \u015feyi yapt\u0131r\u0131yor. Zira annenin rahmine sayg\u0131 duymayan birinin Allah\u2019a da sayg\u0131s\u0131 yoktur.\u201d <\/p>\n\n
Z\u0131h\u00e2r; kocan\u0131n, kar\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 annesine ya da dinen nik\u00e2h d\u00fc\u015fmeyecek yak\u0131nlar\u0131na benzetmesi anlam\u0131nda bir f\u0131k\u0131h terimidir. Kelime, bu anlamda Kur\u2019an\u2019da \u00fc\u00e7 yerde ge\u00e7mektedir. \u0130slam \u00f6ncesi d\u00f6nemde, Araplar aras\u0131nda bir bo\u015fanma \u015fekli olarak bilinen bu uygulama genelde \u201cSen bana annemin s\u0131rt\u0131 (zahr\u0131) gibisin.\u201d c\u00fcmlesiyle yap\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan z\u0131h\u00e2r ad\u0131n\u0131 alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131r. Bu \u00e7irkin \u00e2det, Kur\u2019an\u2019da \u201cSizden kad\u0131nlara z\u0131har edenler, bilmelidirler ki o kad\u0131nlar, onlar\u0131n analar\u0131 de\u011fillerdir. Onlar\u0131n analar\u0131, ancak kendilerini do\u011furan kad\u0131nlard\u0131r. Onlar, \u00e7irkin ve yalan olan bir s\u00f6z s\u00f6yl\u00fcyorlar. Bununla beraber Allah, affedicidir ba\u011f\u0131\u015flay\u0131c\u0131d\u0131r.\u201d ayetiyle ge\u00e7ersiz k\u0131l\u0131nm\u0131\u015ft\u0131r. (M\u00fccadele suresi, 58\/2) <\/p>\n\n
When we become a mother, what we come to understand is not just the meaning of motherhood, but who we truly are. Our voids, dreams, fears, and anxieties are placed in our arms along with our baby\u2019s swaddling. <\/p>\n\n
Our story begins with the announcement, \u201cYou\u2019re going to have a baby!\u201d<\/p>\n\n
Accepting that a living being embarks on an existential journey inside us nurtures contradictory emotions in our soul. We live joy and anxiety, excitement and fear side by side, as if in a delicate balance. The delight of \u201cHooray, I\u2019m becoming a mother!\u201d and the worry of \u201cHow will I be as a mother? Will I take care of my baby well enough?\u201d arrive simultaneously. At the moment of birth, aided by labor pains, we realize that life\u2019s greatest joy and greatest art are not without toil. <\/p>\n\n
From the instant we cradle our baby, we change. It\u2019s as if we dedicate a portion of our brain lobes and chambers of our heart to them indefinitely. A love we never experienced begins between us and our child. When our baby is an infant, they gaze at us in wonder, so much so that we can\u2019t help but wonder: \u201cAre they looking at me or at someone else?\u201d As they grow, every little thing we do is extraordinary in their eyes\u2014and they often express it in surprise. We become their number one hero. <\/p>\n\n
We hold a palette of paints in our hands, a canvas in front of us, and we set out to paint our ideal child. Although we use them as our model, really we paint our dream. That is why our picture can never truly match the real person. Because in time the child begins to recognize their own abilities and wishes. With \u201cno\u2019s,\u201d objections, and feedback, the heroic mother is relegated to a role in which her flaws are discovered\u2014and even criticized openly. Some mothers are pleased: they rejoice because they believe they have given their child character and allowed them to be themselves. Others feel resentful\u2014believing they have failed because their dreams and plans did not materialize. Some blame themselves: \u201cIf I had understood painting better, this outcome would not have arisen.\u201d A minority, though, will affirm: \u201cI did the best I could.\u201d <\/p>\n\n
Every mother who gives birth, nurtures, loves, honors, never abandons her child, and accompanies them on life\u2019s journey is unique. With birth, we both part from and unite with our child, and in raising them we also grow ourselves. It becomes time to complete the parts of ourselves we had left unfinished, and to remember what we had forgotten. <\/p>\n\n
That is precisely why this time we chose to look at motherhood from deeper places. We tried to question where our conception of motherhood originates, how it is later shaped, and what our real motivation is as we accompany our child. We sought to find the reasons behind the traps we fall into, and\u2014most importantly\u2014to show that we do not walk this path alone, so we might view our relationship with our children from a perspective beyond the usual. And we wanted to say to you: \u201cDon\u2019t forget, beloved mother, there are those who hear, see, and understand you!\u201d <\/p>\n\n
A woman\u2019s process toward motherhood starts long before her child\u2014in the childhood games of playing house, watching over a younger sibling or cousin. She rehearses by modeling her own mother: she either wishes to be like her or resolves never to tread the same thorny path she did. Then her attention turns to women around her, media she reads, characters in books and films. She marries and begins to mother her spouse just as in the house\u2011play games. She forgets she is an adult and tends to him: Does he sleep, is he cold, is he tired? Men, too, love this care deeply\u2014especially those who never experienced it in childhood. Such men often equate \u201cbeing thought of\u201d with \u201cbeing loved.\u201d <\/p>\n\n
Men who manage the home\u2019s operations and yet are worried when they are away at work may, when children come, feel like they are pushed into second place. Once the joy of fatherhood fades, they realize the affection and attention they used to receive has declined, and they may reproach their spouse: \u201cYou forgot me\u2026\u201d On occasion, we even witness paternal jealousy that could enter psychological literature. The woman who becomes a mother now wants to see her husband not as a child she must care for, but as an adult partner who shares responsibilities. But the \u201cgentleman\u201d who rules the world outside yet opts to remain childish when moral responsibilities come home chooses the role of assistant to the mother instead of fatherhood. Using phrases like \u201cI don\u2019t understand, I can\u2019t, it\u2019s hard for me, you know better\u2026\u201d he avoids responsibility, believing he benefits in doing so. But unconsciously, he weakens the paternal and masculine authority at home. As in every domain of life, power and authority are proportional to responsibility. <\/p>\n\n
Certainly men and women are naturally more inclined toward different domains. But parenting is a shared capacity and responsibility. Indeed, the Creator ties even a child\u2019s coming into the world to the union of mother and father\u2019s strengths. <\/p>\n\n
Yet in practice, the child becomes the ministry of the mother\u2014she is the minister in charge of their psychology, education, upbringing, and spirituality. She often has little intention of sharing this seat. Even when children grow older, she continues to see herself as the most valuable and socially praised office: the role of motherhood. She resists leaving it. So much that when she becomes a mother-in-law, she may wish to extend the same authority over her daughter-in-law or son-in-law she once held over her children. When she cannot realize this unrealistic ambition, conflict and problematic relationships necessarily emerge. Worse still, fear begins to appear: fear of losing her children or her status as a mother. According to psychologist Do\u011fan C\u00fccelo\u011flu, women focus their energy on motherhood because in society, work, even in the family, only their femininity is restricted\u2014they are denied the space to simply \u201cbe a woman,\u201d so the only role they can reliably occupy and be appreciated for is motherhood. <\/p>\n\n
If a family is governed by roles based on social labels\u2014if \u201cwoman\u201d and \u201cman\u201d are the only grounds of identity\u2014then the real happiness of that family becomes difficult to achieve. In such families, spouses see each other only as man or woman in their private lives\u2014but when responsibilities come, they slip into parent\u2011child dynamics rather than spousal ones. <\/p>\n\n
First, a relationship as woman and man must be built; then marriage; then the roles of parenthood follow. According to Dr. G\u00fclcan \u00d6zer, if a mother remains a \u201cwoman\u201d and does not suppress intervention, and the boy who mistakes such intervention as \u201cbeing loved\u201d does not become more masculine, then there will be a lot of trouble in the marriage. Otherwise, the woman ends up trying to mother everyone and becomes overwhelmed; as her responsibilities increase, so do her expectations. When those expectations are unmet, she feels unseen despite all she does, accuses others of ingratitude, and feels misunderstood. Then frustration and a sense of unworthiness emerge. She may feel anger toward those who do not understand her and blame them. Whether she externalizes it or keeps it within, both harm herself and others. Gradually, her spouse may come to see her only as \u201cthe children\u2019s mother,\u201d and she may feel she is not seen as a woman. This opens the door to feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. <\/p>\n\n
If she decides, \u201cThen I\u2019ll just mother my children,\u201d she may imagine herself as a minister responsible for everything in their life, excluding financial support. But psychologist T\u00fclay K\u00f6k argues that we also share the blame if our partner behaves irresponsibly. Because expecting everything to go our way comes with the cost of doing it all ourselves. If we are tired of holding everything, we must learn to trust, to let go, and to endure when things are done differently or imperfectly. For she who demands, \u201cLet my husband take responsibility\u2014but do things the way I would do them\u201d\u2014is asking the impossible. K\u00f6k says: if we don\u2019t give him the chance and he doesn\u2019t ask for it, we grow increasingly resentful and may even consider ending the relationship. <\/p>\n\n
By responsibility we don\u2019t only mean household chores. The real issue is whether mother and father can feel like co\u2011ministers responsible for their children with equality. Otherwise, in time, the woman loses her feminine qualities and the man his masculine ones. Masculine and feminine are often confused with being male or female, but they are not the same. These traits are akin to grammatical gender in Arabic: qualities of compassion, nurturing, spiritual nourishment are feminine (feminine traits), while leadership and decision-making are masculine. Everyone has both qualities, but one side is more dominant depending on their gender. When balance between the two is achieved, a healthier state results. Although masculine\/feminine concepts are sometimes perceived as dominance or weakness, really they appear in character. Psychiatrist G\u00fclcan \u00d6zer says, \u201cMy homeland cripples women, binds their gender, and ends by making them genderless.\u201d She says when a woman cannot self\u2011actualize, her anger increases. When the woman becomes a Swiss Army knife\u2014trying to be everything in all places\u2014she finds no full peace in anything. This sense of inadequacy peaks in motherhood. The woman\u2019s education, talents, and amassed energy may make her seem strong, but according to psychologist T\u00fclay K\u00f6k, these things don\u2019t truly make her powerful. True femininity is not a power that increases with possessions or decreases with lack! <\/p>\n\n
An overwhelmed mother who sees herself (or who is perceived by others) as a superhero will eventually surrender to the current and abandon herself. She begins to live her whole life for others. She may shelve all her other identities\u2014even her spiritual personhood\u2014behind motherhood. <\/p>\n\n
Alternatively, she may pull herself out of the current, become aware of the water and her condition, use her will to cleanse the water, build dams to regulate its pace, and reenter with new balance\u2014continuing her motherhood journey with joy.<\/p>\n\n
Yet a worse scenario may arise: she may feel so depleted she abandons herself altogether. In burnout syndrome she says, \u201cWhat a waste of the effort I\u2019ve given!\u201d \u2014 finding no joy in motherhood or in life. <\/p>\n\n
Some mothers may attempt to control everything. Their motherhood becomes identical to a to\u2011do list. As C\u00fccelo\u011flu puts it, with good intention they take the steering wheel of their child\u2019s life, even seeking to shield them from their father! They approach life with anxiety, trying so hard not to neglect responsibilities that they unwittingly poison their child\u2019s spirit through control. <\/p>\n\n
So why do we sometimes lose touch with reality in motherhood? Dr. G\u00fclcan \u00d6zer says, \u201cThe weakest relationship people ever form is with reality\u2014and it\u2019s in motherhood. All the things we felt shame seeing in ourselves, all the things we spent lifetimes trying to tame, emerge. Fairness, humility, understanding the world as it is\u2014they get shelved and replaced by belonging. Being a mother always carries middle\u2011ground oblivion and the grandest child fantasy. Whoever we are\u2014literate, intellectual, illiterate, joyful, dull\u2014motherhood melts women into one mold.\u201d <\/p>\n\n
This \u201cmiddle\u2011ground oblivion\u201d that comes with motherhood may cause us to see ourselves and our children in a mirror that\u2019s not quite real. Some believe, \u201cI can\u2019t do this,\u201d without recognizing their real talents; others try to succeed across career, children, and every role as though lifting weights. In dealing with children, some idealize them, others project their own insecurities onto them. In that regard, Dr. Gabor Mat\u00e9 says that the greatest gift we can give a child is the parent\u2019s own healing: <\/p>\n\n
\u201cWhat should not have happened did happen, or what should have happened didn\u2019t happen\u2026 If you give your child less harm than you received from your own parents (consciously or unconsciously), you have succeeded.\u201d<\/p>\n\n
Thus this quest to do less harm can turn into perfectionism\u2014there is no room for error in motherhood, and cycles of blame and guilt follow. Either we internalize every mistake of our child as our own and punish ourselves, or we become ministers and point fingers at everyone else for \u201cnot raising them properly.\u201d Mat\u00e9 argues that the root of this guilt lies in society\u2019s demand that women place others\u2019 needs before their own\u2014and feel responsible for everyone. Meanwhile, they are expected to suppress anger and remain gentle. This is one reason autoimmune diseases so often affect women. <\/p>\n\n
First, let us raise our spirits by saying, \u201cWe are wonderful mothers, we just need some quality control.\u201d Next, take a deep breath and try to observe ourselves and our motherhood from outside. Put on our child\u2019s shoes and try to see our mothering through their eyes. Notice whether the child aligns with our ideal\u2014or not. Instead of shaping them into our ideal, focus on how we can raise the child using the raw materials they bring. Regard conflicts and difficulties as opportunities to explore what happens within us. Stop delegating all our burdens to them through awareness. Realize we did not arrive in this world already knowing motherhood\u2014and grow our motherhood alongside our child. Understand that this growth is not about becoming everything at once but about recognizing our capacity and acting accordingly. We will not completely lose ourselves by trying to be everything. We will learn to slow down, to let go of some things, to create space for our spouse. We will give up being an authority over fatherhood. When our spouse has a weak handoff, we won\u2019t treat them like a child. If we cannot relinquish control and we overreact when things don\u2019t go our way\u2014or conversely, if none of this even enters our awareness\u2014we will search for the reasons. If necessary, we will seek support. We will abandon idle complaining and take steps toward more intentional motherhood without delay. And we will be compassionate with ourselves. <\/p>\n\n
Fathers, too, should claim their role as \u201cwonderful fathers\u201d and strive to become \u201cmagnificent fathers.\u201d They must cease seeing their spouses as the sole person responsible for children, and instead accept their rightful role. Recognize that raising a home is more than providing financially\u2014it includes the spiritual realm as well. Ensure they don\u2019t permit family power abuses, allow their daughters to become like their mothers, and when their spouse yields space to them, be able to score a goal as a team. Instead of copying traits they disliked in their own fathers, choose selectively the legacies they pass on. They can read books, attend seminars, receive education on fatherhood, and be encouraged for every step they take. Then the verse: <\/p>\n\n
\u201cThe believing men and believing women are allies of one another; they enjoin good and forbid evil.\u201d (Quran 9:71)<\/p>\n\n
will be felt more deeply. For spouses who are neither victims nor victimizers will strengthen one another, provide a firmer foundation for their children, and above all become wonderful mothers and fathers. <\/p>\n\n
\u201cMotherhood and the womb are sanctified by Allah\u2019s own revelation. So when the word \u2018mother\u2019 is used in any time or way to insult or degrade someone, that person is not only offending their target, but also Allah. Then how is it that in nearly every language \u2018mother\u2019 is among the most abused words? Yet cultures and beliefs differ greatly. Because Satan is the same Satan and he knows Allah has declared the sanctity of the mother\u2019s womb. So he seeks to push a person away from their Lord\u2014and has them do the very thing: dishonor the womb. For a person who shows no respect to their mother\u2019s womb, how can they truly show respect to Allah?\u201d<\/p>\n\n
\u201c\u1e92ih\u0101r\u201d is a legal term in Islamic jurisprudence referring to when a husband likens his wife to his mother or other women forbidden in marriage. The term appears in the Qur\u2019an in three places. It denotes this contemptuous expression like, \u201cYou are like my mother\u2019s back to me.\u201d The Qur\u2019an invalidates this cruel custom in Surah Mu\u1e93\u0101lim (58:2): <\/p>\n\n
\u201cThose among you who put away their wives by \u1e93ih\u0101r\u2014indeed, they are not (truly) their mothers. Their mothers are none other than those who gave them birth. Such uttered word is of unrighteousness and falsehood\u2026 Allah is Pardoning, Forgiving.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Anne olunca anlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z sadece anneli\u011fin ne oldu\u011fu de\u011fil, kendimizin kim oldu\u011fudur asl\u0131nda. Bo\u015fluklar\u0131m\u0131z, hayallerimiz, korkular\u0131m\u0131z ve kayg\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131z da bebe\u011fimizin kunda\u011f\u0131yla birlikte kuca\u011f\u0131m\u0131za verilir. Hik\u00e2yemiz, \u201cBir bebe\u011finiz olacak!\u201d m\u00fcjdesiyle ba\u015flar. Bir canl\u0131n\u0131n i\u00e7imizde varolu\u015f ser\u00fcvenine \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 kabullenmek, ruhumuzda birbirine z\u0131t duygular\u0131 ye\u015fertir. Sevin\u00e7le kayg\u0131y\u0131, co\u015fkuyla korkuyu metcezir gibi ya\u015far\u0131z adeta. \u201cYa\u015fas\u0131n anne oluyorum!\u201d heyecan\u0131 ve \u201cAcaba […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9847","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9847","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9847"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9847\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9848,"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9847\/revisions\/9848"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9847"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9847"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9847"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}