{"id":9843,"date":"2025-10-07T11:40:12","date_gmt":"2025-10-07T11:40:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.targeticon.com\/en-coaching\/articles\/olum-allahin-emri-ayrilik-olmasaydi\/"},"modified":"2025-10-22T22:47:35","modified_gmt":"2025-10-22T22:47:35","slug":"olum-allahin-emri-ayrilik-olmasaydi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/olum-allahin-emri-ayrilik-olmasaydi\/","title":{"rendered":"\u00d6l\u00fcm Allah\u2019\u0131n Emri, Ayr\u0131l\u0131k Olmasayd\u0131!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\n

\u00d6l\u00fcm de hayat kadar insana dair ve hakikat! Bununla birlikte, hakikat olmas\u0131, sevdiklerimizi al\u0131p \u00f6telere g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde, ac\u0131 \u00e7ekmemize m\u00e2ni olam\u0131yor. \u00d6l\u00fcm Allah’\u0131n emri olsa da ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n s\u0131z\u0131s\u0131 sinemizi yak\u0131yor. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n

Hi\u00e7 \u201consuz\u201d kalmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 birinin yoklu\u011funa nas\u0131l al\u0131\u015f\u0131r insan?\u201d Sevdi\u011fimiz, k\u0131ymet verdi\u011fimiz, uzun y\u0131llar birlikte olmay\u0131 hayal etti\u011fimiz birinin vefat haberini ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zda, ayn\u0131 soruyu sorar\u0131z hepimiz. Boyumuzu a\u015fan h\u00fczn\u00fcm\u00fcz\u00fc kelimelerin k\u0131s\u0131tl\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 ile ifade etmeye; bu yeni ve istenmeyen duruma al\u0131\u015fmaya, hikmetini ve bize getireceklerini alg\u0131lamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131r\u0131z. \u00dcstelik her birimizin bu konudaki tecr\u00fcbesi birbirinden olduk\u00e7a farkl\u0131d\u0131r. <\/p>\n\n

Kaybettiklerimizden baz\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131n son nefesine kadar yan\u0131nda olur, definlerine dair b\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00f6revlerimizi hakk\u0131yla yerine getiririz. Baz\u0131lar\u0131yla da ancak g\u0131yabi cenaze namazlar\u0131 arac\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131yla, uzaktan vedala\u015fabiliriz. Yak\u0131nlar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n kabre konu\u015flar\u0131n\u0131, ekranlardan izleriz. \u0130zleriz ki vedala\u015fabilelim, vefat etti\u011fine kani olabilelim. Ruhlar\u0131n\u0131n ufkuna y\u00fcr\u00fcrlerken, g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131yla ve dualarla u\u011furlar\u0131z her birini. Bazen duygular\u0131m\u0131z kilitlenir kalbimizin en derin yerine; a\u011flay\u0131p i\u00e7imizdeki ate\u015fi bile s\u00f6nd\u00fcremeyiz. Can Y\u00fccel\u2019in dedi\u011fi gibi \u201cba\u011f\u0131ra ba\u011f\u0131ra\u201d susar\u0131z. Gurbet zordur ama uzaktayken kaybetmek, son vazifeyi bile yapamamak daha zordur. Gurbet i\u00e7inde gurbettir sanki. Ho\u015f, yak\u0131n da olsak topra\u011f\u0131n alt\u0131 her h\u00e2l\u00fck\u00e2rda gurbettir bizim i\u00e7in. Sevdi\u011fimizden ayr\u0131 d\u00fc\u015fmek yaz\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131r bir kez kadere. <\/p>\n\n

Ayr\u0131l\u0131k Zor!<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Kitabe-i Seng-i Mezar<\/em>\u2018da, Orhan Veli, S\u00fcleyman Efendi\u2019nin el yaz\u0131s\u0131yla kahve oca\u011f\u0131na b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131, \u201c\u00d6l\u00fcm Allah\u2019\u0131n emri \/ Ayr\u0131l\u0131k olmasayd\u0131\u201d beytini aktar\u0131r. Ayn\u0131 s\u00f6z, \u015eu K\u0131\u015flan\u0131n Kap\u0131s\u0131na<\/em> t\u00fcrk\u00fcs\u00fcnde, Bar\u0131\u015f Man\u00e7o\u2019nun \u00d6l\u00fcm Allah\u2019\u0131n Emri<\/em> \u015fark\u0131s\u0131nda ve daha pek \u00e7ok eserde kar\u015f\u0131m\u0131za \u00e7\u0131kar. Bir ifade, edebiyatta ve sanatta kendisine bu kadar s\u0131k yer buluyorsa y\u00fcrekten geliyor, insanlar\u0131n duygular\u0131na ve d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerine terc\u00fcman oluyor demektir. Evet, \u00f6l\u00fcm Allah\u2019\u0131n emri! Ondan gelip yine ona d\u00f6nece\u011fiz, amenna. Bununla birlikte \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn ola\u011fanl\u0131\u011f\u0131, birlikte yolculuk yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z insanlar\u0131 \u00f6zlememizi engelleyemiyor. Peygamberimiz bile ahiret yurdunda kavu\u015faca\u011f\u0131 evlad\u0131 \u0130brahim\u2019i, amcas\u0131 Hamza\u2019y\u0131 u\u011furlarken m\u00fcbarek g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 h\u00fczn\u00fcne terc\u00fcman ediyor, \u201cG\u00f6z ya\u015far\u0131r, kalp h\u00fcz\u00fcnlenir; buna ra\u011fmen, biz rabbimizin raz\u0131 olaca\u011f\u0131ndan ba\u015fka bir s\u00f6z s\u00f6ylemeyiz!\u201d diyor ve sevdiklerini arkalar\u0131ndan hay\u0131rla y\u00e2d etmeye devam ediyorsa biz de ayr\u0131l\u0131k ac\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 edebimiz ve vakar\u0131m\u0131zla ifade edebilir, yas s\u00fcrecimizi sa\u011fl\u0131kl\u0131 bir bi\u00e7imde ge\u00e7irmeye \u00e7abalayabiliriz. <\/p>\n\n

Bir aile \u00fcyemizin, sevdi\u011fimiz bir dostumuzun, k\u0131ymet verdi\u011fimiz bir arkada\u015f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n vefat haberiyle sars\u0131lmam\u0131z\u0131n yeg\u00e2ne sebebi, ayr\u0131l\u0131k ac\u0131s\u0131d\u0131r asl\u0131nda. Zira o insan\u0131 d\u00fcnya g\u00f6z\u00fcyle bir daha g\u00f6remeyecek, sesini i\u015fitemeyecek, ona dokunamayacak olman\u0131n verdi\u011fi ac\u0131 tarifsizdir. Hele o ki\u015fi, hayat\u0131m\u0131zda e\u015fsiz bir yeri dolduruyorsa, onun gidi\u015fiyle birlikte kalbimizden bir par\u00e7an\u0131n da koptu\u011funu hissederiz. G\u00fcvendi\u011fimiz, yasland\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z bir da\u011f ise o ki\u015fi, yer ayaklar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n alt\u0131ndan kayar. D\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131z \u00fc\u015f\u00fcrken \u201c\u00f6l\u00fcm Allah\u2019\u0131n emri\u201d diyen akl\u0131m\u0131zla, \u201cayr\u0131l\u0131k olmasayd\u0131\u201d diyen kalbimizin aras\u0131nda kalan i\u00e7imiz, alev alev yanar. Yol g\u00f6stericimizse, karanl\u0131kta kal\u0131r\u0131z. Dua kayna\u011f\u0131m\u0131zsa, evimizin \u00e7at\u0131s\u0131 u\u00e7ar, \u00fczerimize kar ya\u011far, so\u011fuk iliklerimize i\u015fler. Mazlumsa, ma\u011fdursa, hakk\u0131n\u0131 alamadan bu d\u00fcnyadan gidi\u015fini hazmedemeyiz; hayk\u0131ramad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z \u00f6fkemiz, bo\u011faz\u0131m\u0131za d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm olur. Gen\u00e7se, onunla ya\u015fayamad\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n hayali sinemizi yakar. Evlatsa\u2026 Hen\u00fcz onu tarif edebilecek kelime icat edilmemi\u015ftir. <\/p>\n\n

Duygu Karma\u015fas\u0131<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z ac\u0131 haberle, sevdi\u011fimiz ki\u015finin hayattayken k\u0131ymetini bilememenin ve ya\u015fayamad\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n pi\u015fmanl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ba\u015flar \u00f6nce. Ke\u015fkeler s\u0131ralan\u0131r tek tek. Onu unutma kayg\u0131s\u0131 gelir sonra. Ba\u015fka bir i\u015fle me\u015fgul oldu\u011fumuzda, g\u00fcl\u00fcmsedi\u011fimizde, \u201cBak sana demi\u015ftim, unutmaya ba\u015flad\u0131n i\u015fte!\u201d diye kendimize k\u0131zar\u0131z. Hayata devam etmek, su\u00e7 gibi gelir bir s\u00fcre. Nice sonra onun hayattayken \u00e7ekti\u011fi ac\u0131, \u0131zd\u0131rap, hastal\u0131k, art\u0131k ne varsa, hat\u0131rlay\u0131p kurtulu\u015fa erdi\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcp rahatlatmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131r\u0131z kendimizi. Ama onu bu d\u00fcnyada ya\u015farken rahat ettiremedi\u011fimiz i\u00e7in de \u00e7aresiz hissederiz. Sofraya koydu\u011fumuz tabak say\u0131s\u0131n\u0131, sa\u011fl\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in etti\u011fimiz dua c\u00fcmlelerini de\u011fi\u015ftirmek, e\u015fyalar\u0131n\u0131 ve odas\u0131n\u0131 da\u011f\u0131tmak \u00e7ok zor gelir. Nefesini, kokusunu, sesini \u00f6zleriz. Hayata onsuz nas\u0131l devam edece\u011fini bilememek, kocaman bir yeti\u015fkin de olsak, \u00e7ocukla\u015ft\u0131r\u0131r hepimizi. \u0130nsan, h\u00fcz\u00fcn tenceresinde k\u0131rk \u00e7e\u015fit duyguyu pi\u015firmeye ba\u015flar taziye evinde, a\u015fure gibi. Zira k\u0131s\u0131k ate\u015fte usul usul pi\u015ferken, birden harl\u0131 odun ate\u015fine atar hayat bizi, bu tarifsiz ac\u0131yla. <\/p>\n\n

Ac\u0131m\u0131z da Biricik<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

\u0130stenmeyen bir ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011fa nas\u0131l al\u0131\u015f\u0131l\u0131r, bilen yoktur. \u00d6l\u00fcm elbette Allah\u2019\u0131n emri. \u0130nsan, ya\u015famak i\u00e7in oldu\u011fu kadar \u00f6lmek i\u00e7in de geliyor bu d\u00fcnyaya. Hele ya\u015f kemale ermi\u015fse bu \u00e7ok daha beklenilir bir durum. Gel ger ki bir \u015feyin normal ve do\u011fal olmas\u0131 akl\u0131 ikna etse de kalbi teskin etmeye yetmiyor. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc duygular mant\u0131kla \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131yor. Ya\u015fl\u0131yd\u0131, hastayd\u0131, \u0131zd\u0131rap \u00e7ekiyordu, haks\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa u\u011fruyordu, Allah kurtard\u0131, gitti\u011fi yerde daha rahatt\u0131r benzeri c\u00fcmleler, bizi teselli etmenin yan\u0131ndan bile ge\u00e7miyor. Kimse \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fc mant\u0131ks\u0131z buldu\u011fu i\u00e7in ac\u0131 \u00e7ekmiyor asl\u0131nda. Hayat\u0131nda hep var olan bir insan\u0131n, fiziken yoklu\u011fuyla nas\u0131l m\u00fccadele edece\u011fini bilememenin kayg\u0131 ve korkusunu ya\u015f\u0131yor sadece. Bilmedi\u011finden s\u0131nanmaya ba\u015flayan insan, h\u00e2liyle panikliyor. Zira \u00f6l\u00fcm, vefat edenin mahiyetini de\u011fi\u015ftirdi\u011fi gibi arkada kalan\u0131n da ba\u015fkala\u015fmas\u0131n\u0131 netice veriyor. Herkes sevdi\u011finin vefat\u0131n\u0131n ard\u0131ndan, onun kendisinde temsil ettikleriyle tecr\u00fcbe ediyor bu durumu. Nas\u0131l ayn\u0131 vir\u00fcs farkl\u0131 insanlarda ba\u015fka ba\u015fka tepkimelere yol a\u00e7\u0131yorsa, ac\u0131 da her ruhta ayr\u0131 ve biricik bir iz b\u0131rak\u0131yor. <\/p>\n\n

Hangisi Do\u011fru?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Ac\u0131 habere kar\u015f\u0131 geli\u015ftirdi\u011fimiz; d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden ve bilin\u00e7alt\u0131yla g\u00f6sterdi\u011fimiz refleks mahiyetindeki o ilk tepki, asl\u0131nda yas s\u00fcrecimizi nas\u0131l ge\u00e7irece\u011fimize dair ipu\u00e7lar\u0131 da veriyor. B\u00f6ylelikle, ac\u0131 e\u015fi\u011fimizi ve bu duyguyla ba\u015f etme y\u00f6ntemlerimizi g\u00f6zlemleme f\u0131rsat\u0131m\u0131z oluyor. Baz\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131z, ald\u0131klar\u0131 h\u00fcz\u00fcnl\u00fc bir haber kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda, zaten ba\u015fka sebeplerle travmatize olmu\u015f olduklar\u0131ndan, daha g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc tepkiler verebiliyor. \u00d6te yandan, ac\u0131y\u0131 ink\u00e2r ederek ondan ka\u00e7anlar, ac\u0131lar\u0131 yokmu\u015f gibi davranarak, kendilerini s\u00fcrekli me\u015fgul edip bu duyguyu hat\u0131rlamamak i\u00e7in \u00e7aba g\u00f6sterenler de olabiliyor. Bununla birlikte, bu iki durum aras\u0131nda s\u00fcrekli gelgit \u00e7izenler de yok de\u011fil. Metaneti zirveye ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 ve her \u015feyin yolunda gitti\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrken, ani bir hat\u0131rlat\u0131c\u0131yla kendimizi yo\u011fun duygular i\u00e7inde bulabiliyoruz. Dahas\u0131, bu duygusal dalgalanmalara iradi bir se\u00e7imle girmiyoruz; duygular\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 y\u00f6netme becerimizle s\u0131nav veriyoruz. <\/p>\n\n

Onlar \u00d6l\u00fcr, Biz Uyan\u0131r\u0131z<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Yas s\u00fcreci, psikoloji literat\u00fcr\u00fcnde kay\u0131pla ba\u015fa \u00e7\u0131kabilmek i\u00e7in ger\u00e7ekle girilen bir uzla\u015fma olarak nitelendiriliyor. S\u00fcre\u00e7, sadece bir vefat haberi al\u0131nmas\u0131yla de\u011fil; g\u00f6\u00e7, maddi kay\u0131p, \u00e2\u015f\u0131k olunan ki\u015fiden ayr\u0131lma gibi pek \u00e7ok durumda da ortaya \u00e7\u0131kabiliyor. Fakat elbette en a\u011f\u0131r yas, vefat sonras\u0131nda geride kalan ki\u015filerde g\u00f6r\u00fcl\u00fcyor. Bu d\u00f6nemi \u0130sve\u00e7li Psikiyatr K\u00fcbbler-Ross ink\u00e2r, \u00f6fke, pazarl\u0131k, depresyon ve kabul a\u015famalar\u0131 olarak be\u015f evre; \u0130ngiliz Psikiyatr John Bowlby ise \u201chissizlik-protesto\u201d, \u201c\u00f6zlem ve aray\u0131\u015f\u201d, \u201cruhsal da\u011f\u0131lma ve karamsarl\u0131k\u201d ve \u201ctoparlanma\u201d olarak d\u00f6rt evre \u015feklinde s\u0131ral\u0131yor. <\/p>\n\n

Asl\u0131nda her iki s\u0131ralama, baz\u0131 n\u00fcans farkl\u0131l\u0131klar\u0131na ra\u011fmen benzer ortak \u00f6zellikler bar\u0131nd\u0131r\u0131yor. Bu ba\u011flamda, genellikle ilk evrede gerginlik, k\u0131zg\u0131nl\u0131k ve korku duygular\u0131 belirginle\u015fir. \u0130kinci evrede, d\u00fcnyan\u0131n anlams\u0131z ve bo\u015f oldu\u011fu hissiyle birlikte \u00f6len ki\u015fiyi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnme, huzursuzluk, a\u011flama ve k\u0131zg\u0131nl\u0131k gibi tepkiler g\u00f6zlemlenir. \u00dc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fc evrede, kal\u0131c\u0131 bir huzursuzluk hissi, toplumsal aktivitelerden uzakla\u015fma e\u011filimi ve an\u0131lar\u0131 s\u0131k\u00e7a hat\u0131rlama \u00f6ne \u00e7\u0131kar. D\u00f6rd\u00fcnc\u00fc ve son evrede ise -nihayet- kaybedilen ki\u015fiyle olumlu bir ili\u015fki kurma ve ya\u015fananlar\u0131 kabullenme s\u00fcreci bask\u0131n h\u00e2le gelir. <\/p>\n\n

Yard\u0131m Almal\u0131 m\u0131y\u0131z?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Psikolog Prof. Dr. Erdo\u011fan G\u00fcltekin, kay\u0131p sonras\u0131nda yemek yeme, uyku d\u00fczeninde bozulma, i\u00e7e \u00e7ekilme ve konu\u015fmay\u0131 istememe gibi depresif tepkilerin g\u00f6r\u00fclmesini ilk a\u015famalarda normal buluyor. Fakat ruhsal da\u011f\u0131lma ve karamsarl\u0131k olarak da niteleyebilece\u011fimiz depresyon s\u00fcrecinin ola\u011fandan uzun s\u00fcrmesi durumunda yard\u0131m al\u0131nmas\u0131 gerekti\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyor. <\/p>\n\n

Yas\u0131n ilk a\u015famalar\u0131nda bu t\u00fcr tepkiler yo\u011fun olsa da kabullenme s\u00fcrecinde normale d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn ba\u015flamas\u0131 bekleniyor. G\u00fcltekin\u2019e g\u00f6re, kay\u0131p ya\u015fayan ki\u015finin yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa itilmesi, depresyon riskini art\u0131rabiliyor. Yas s\u00fcrecinde duygular\u0131n yak\u0131n \u00e7evreyle payla\u015f\u0131lmas\u0131, bu zor d\u00f6nemin daha sa\u011fl\u0131kl\u0131 bir \u015fekilde atlat\u0131lmas\u0131na katk\u0131 sa\u011fl\u0131yor. Ancak, duygular ifade edilmez ve payla\u015f\u0131lmazsa, yas \u00f6telenmi\u015f oluyor. Bu durum da ilerleyen d\u00f6nemlerde psikosomatik hastal\u0131klar\u0131n veya davran\u0131\u015fsal sorunlar\u0131n ortaya \u00e7\u0131kmas\u0131na zemin haz\u0131rlayabiliyor. <\/p>\n\n

Yasa Nokta Konur mu?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Babas\u0131n\u0131n vefat\u0131n\u0131n ard\u0131ndan yas \u00fczerine \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmalar\u0131na yo\u011funla\u015fan Psikolog Zeynep Selvili Batuk, yas\u0131n a\u015famalarla a\u00e7\u0131klanmas\u0131n\u0131n bu s\u00fcreci anlamay\u0131 kolayla\u015ft\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, \u00f6ng\u00f6r\u00fc ve kontrol duygusunu peki\u015ftirdi\u011fini ve ya\u015fan\u0131lanlar\u0131 normalle\u015ftirmeye yard\u0131mc\u0131 oldu\u011funu ifade ediyor. Ancak Batuk\u2019a g\u00f6re, h\u00e2kim anlay\u0131\u015flar, a\u00e7\u0131klad\u0131klar\u0131 kadar eksik b\u0131rakt\u0131klar\u0131 ve normalle\u015ftirdikleri kadar anormalle\u015ftirdikleri unsurlar\u0131 da bar\u0131nd\u0131r\u0131yor. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc cevaps\u0131z sorulara tahamm\u00fcl edemedi\u011fimiz gibi, sonu gelmeyen hik\u00e2yelerden de ho\u015flanm\u0131yoruz. Evrensel bir refleksle, bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te de \u201ctamamlanma\u201dy\u0131 ar\u0131yoruz. Yas s\u00fcreci hangi a\u015fama kombinasyonunda ilerlerse ilerlesin, sonunda \u201ckabullenme\u201d ile noktalanmas\u0131n\u0131 istiyoruz. <\/p>\n\n

Kendi ac\u0131 tecr\u00fcbesinden yola \u00e7\u0131kan Batuk, yas kavram\u0131n\u0131 al\u0131\u015f\u0131lm\u0131\u015f kal\u0131plardan farkl\u0131 bir \u015fekilde tan\u0131mlamay\u0131 tercih ediyor: \u201cBelirli bir zaman sonra duygusal ve davran\u0131\u015fsal tepkiler azal\u0131r. Dinmeyecek sand\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131z diner. Yas\u0131m\u0131z de\u011fi\u015fir; ama bir deniz ritmiyle i\u015flemeye hep devam eder bana sorarsan\u0131z. Kabar\u0131r ve sonra geri \u00e7ekilir. Sonra tekrar kabar\u0131r ve tekrar geri \u00e7ekilir. Daha ziyade ink\u00e2r\u0131n ve kabul\u00fcn birbirine kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir yolda olma h\u00e2lidir bu. Mutlak kabulle bir kez var\u0131lan de\u011fil; hep yeni ba\u015ftan u\u011franan bir durakt\u0131r. Her kayb\u0131n, \u00e7ok katmanl\u0131 oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in, kendine \u00f6zg\u00fc bir sonsuzlu\u011fu vard\u0131r.\u201d <\/p>\n\n

Her insan\u0131n yas s\u00fcreci, duraklar\u0131n s\u0131ras\u0131, her durakta kalma s\u00fcresi ve bu s\u00fcre\u00e7teki davran\u0131\u015flar\u0131, insan\u0131n biricikli\u011fi prensibi gere\u011fi farkl\u0131l\u0131k g\u00f6steriyor. Bu davran\u0131\u015flar, hem ac\u0131y\u0131 ya\u015fayan ki\u015finin duygusal durumuna hem de \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn ani olup olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131na; vefat eden ki\u015finin \u00f6l\u00fcm \u015fekline, ya\u015f\u0131na ve bize olan yak\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131na ba\u011fl\u0131 olarak de\u011fi\u015fiyor. Ancak, bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te asla do\u011fru g\u00f6r\u00fclmeyen bir \u015fey var: Tepkileri k\u0131yaslamak ya da ac\u0131lar\u0131 yar\u0131\u015ft\u0131rmak. <\/p>\n\n

Kay\u0131p Sonras\u0131 Yeni Biz<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Psikolog Batuk, kay\u0131p ya\u015fayan ki\u015finin iki t\u00fcr stresle ba\u015f etmek zorunda oldu\u011funu ifade ediyor. Bunlardan ilki, ruminasyon: ki\u015finin ge\u00e7mi\u015fteki olumsuz olaylar\u0131, hatalar\u0131 veya travmalar\u0131 s\u00fcrekli d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnme e\u011filimi. Bu s\u00fcre\u00e7, ac\u0131yla y\u00fczle\u015fmeyi ve duygularla ba\u015f etmeyi i\u00e7eren bir yas \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmas\u0131 olarak da tan\u0131mlanabilir. <\/p>\n\n

\u0130kincisi ise kay\u0131pla birlikte hayata devam edebilme becerisi geli\u015ftirdi\u011fimiz alan. Bu, yeni sorumluluklara, rollere ve ili\u015fkilere uyum sa\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z, kontroll\u00fc bir \u015fekilde yastan ka\u00e7\u0131nd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z bir adaptasyon s\u00fcreci ayn\u0131 zamanda. Tek ebeveyn olma, maddi ve manevi sorumluluklar\u0131n de\u011fi\u015fimi veya al\u0131\u015fkanl\u0131klar\u0131n farkl\u0131la\u015fmas\u0131 gibi durumlar, bu d\u00f6nemin bir par\u00e7as\u0131. Batuk\u2019a g\u00f6re, g\u00fcndelik hayat\u0131m\u0131z, bu iki stres fakt\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcn aras\u0131nda \u015fekilleniyor. \u0130lk a\u015famada daha \u00e7ok birinci k\u0131sma odaklansak da zamanla her iki alan aras\u0131nda zikzaklar \u00e7izerek ilerliyoruz. \u00dcstelik, bu zikzaklar\u0131n motifi de her birimiz i\u00e7in farkl\u0131. <\/p>\n\n

\u0130bret Tablosu<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Psikiyatrist Irvin D. Yalom, yas\u0131, ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131 sevme cesareti g\u00f6sterdi\u011fimiz i\u00e7in \u00f6dedi\u011fimiz bir bedel olarak tan\u0131ml\u0131yor. Kay\u0131p sonras\u0131 ya\u015fanan yas s\u00fcrecini ise bir uyanma d\u00f6nemi olarak nitelendiriyor. Adeta, yak\u0131n\u0131m\u0131z \u00f6l\u00fcrken biz derin bir anlam aray\u0131\u015f\u0131yla diriliyoruz. \u0130\u00e7inden ge\u00e7mek olduk\u00e7a zorlay\u0131c\u0131 ve bunalt\u0131c\u0131 olsa da, duygular dengeye oturdu\u011funda, yas d\u00f6nemi geriye olduk\u00e7a anlaml\u0131 bir deneyim b\u0131rak\u0131yor. Bu s\u00fcre\u00e7, rabbimizin Kur\u2019an-\u0131 Kerim\u2019deki k\u0131ssalara yer veri\u015f mant\u0131\u011f\u0131yla da paralellik g\u00f6steriyor. <\/p>\n\n

Nas\u0131l ki k\u0131ssalar, ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 tecr\u00fcbelerden dersler \u00e7\u0131karmam\u0131za vesile olur, d\u00fcnyada o durumu ya\u015fayan tek ki\u015fi olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 fark ettirir, yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 hafifletir, bizi ortak insanl\u0131k \u00e7at\u0131s\u0131 alt\u0131nda birle\u015ftirir, ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n o an g\u00f6r\u00fcp idrak edemedi\u011fimiz farkl\u0131 hikmetleri olabilece\u011fini g\u00f6sterirse; yas d\u00f6nemi de sevdi\u011fimize veda ederken benzer \u015fekilde i\u015flev g\u00f6r\u00fcr. G\u00fcnl\u00fck hayat\u0131n hayhuyu i\u00e7inde \u201chi\u00e7 \u00f6lmeyecekmi\u015f gibi\u201d ya\u015fayan bizlere, her an \u00f6lebilece\u011fimizi hat\u0131rlat\u0131r. E\u015fimizin, dostumuzun, arkada\u015f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n vefat\u0131yla, biz de fanili\u011fimizi fark ederiz. Bu uyan\u0131\u015f, s\u00fcreci daha sa\u011flam ve anlaml\u0131 bir \u015fekilde y\u00f6netebilmemize vesile olur. H\u00fczn\u00fcm\u00fcz\u00fc israf etmeden, olgunla\u015fmam\u0131za katk\u0131da bulunur. <\/p>\n\n

Ba\u015flar Rab\u0131tay\u0131mevt<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Cenaze s\u00fcrecinde, y\u0131kanmadan kefenlenmeye, duadan defne kadar her a\u015fama, geride kalanlar i\u00e7in bir ibret olur. \u201cMezarl\u0131ktan korkan, sevdi\u011fini kaybetmemi\u015ftir.\u201d s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc duymu\u015fsunuzdur. Sevdi\u011fimizin bedenini mezara, sevgisini kalbimize saklarken, ister istemez, \u00f6lmeden \u00f6nce \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fc d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeye ba\u015flar\u0131z. Kabir kap\u0131s\u0131nda kalacaklar ile \u00f6teye ge\u00e7eceklerin ayr\u0131l\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u015fahitlik ederiz. Hen\u00fcz hayattayken, do\u011fru \u015feyler i\u00e7in kayg\u0131lan\u0131p kayg\u0131lanmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 sorgular\u0131z. Vefat ettikten sonra hay\u0131rla an\u0131lacak bir hayat ya\u015faman\u0131n ne kadar \u00f6nemli oldu\u011funu hat\u0131rlat\u0131r bir kabre yak\u0131ndan bakmak. <\/p>\n\n

Sonra, kendimize sormaya ba\u015flar\u0131z: \u201cBug\u00fcn Allah i\u00e7in kendine ve insanl\u0131\u011fa neler yapt\u0131n?\u201d Dostun ve d\u00fc\u015fman\u0131n, ham\u0131n ve has\u0131n ayr\u0131l\u0131\u015f\u0131n\u0131 izleriz, hem \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcr hem de \u015f\u00fckrederiz. Telefon rehberimizi temizlemeye, ger\u00e7ek dostlar i\u00e7in emek sarf etmeye ba\u015flar\u0131z. K\u00fcsl\u00fckler, fikir ayr\u0131l\u0131klar\u0131, ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z ortak h\u00fczn\u00fcn i\u00e7inde erir ve yeniden birle\u015firiz. Vefat edene vefan\u0131n, onun i\u00e7in dua etmek ve hay\u0131r hasenat yapmak oldu\u011funu hat\u0131rlar\u0131z. Rahmetli ananemizin tarifine sad\u0131k kalarak pi\u015firdi\u011fimiz b\u00f6re\u011fin kokusunda vefam\u0131z gizlidir. Ya da babam\u0131z\u0131n bize \u00f6\u011fretti\u011fi duay\u0131 evlatlar\u0131m\u0131za ezberletmekte\u2026 Bu nedenle sevdi\u011fimizi unutma kayg\u0131s\u0131n\u0131, onu dualarla, sadakalarla y\u00e2d etmek ve de\u011ferlerini ya\u015fatmak i\u00e7in kullan\u0131r\u0131z. \u00d6l\u00fcm, g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcze daha sevimli gelir. Ya\u015famak, bu d\u00fcnyada ailemizle olmak; vefat\u0131m\u0131z da bizden \u00f6nce g\u00f6revini tamamlay\u0131p gitmi\u015f sevdiklerimize kavu\u015fmak olur. <\/p>\n\n

Prof. Dr. Erol G\u00f6ka, \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fc d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmenin insan\u0131 kurtulu\u015fa eri\u015ftirebilecek ve bunalt\u0131lar\u0131 sa\u011faltabilecek bir gizli g\u00fcce sahip oldu\u011funu savunuyor: \u201c\u00d6l\u00fcm\u00fc ve \u00f6l\u00fcml\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fc a\u00e7\u0131k y\u00fcreklilikle ele alman\u0131n, i\u015flerin ger\u00e7ek durumunu daha iyi de\u011ferlendirebilme, ya\u015fam\u0131 daha katlanabilir k\u0131lma gibi bir \u00f6d\u00fcl\u00fc vard\u0131r. Bu anlamda hi\u00e7lik, yok olu\u015f gibi de\u011fil de \u2018s\u0131f\u0131r\u2019 say\u0131s\u0131 gibidir \u00f6l\u00fcm. S\u0131f\u0131r\u0131 nas\u0131l bir say\u0131n\u0131n sa\u011f\u0131na soluna yerle\u015ftirdi\u011finizde onu on defa b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fcyor veya k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fclt\u00fcyorsa \u00f6l\u00fcm de as\u0131l anlam\u0131n\u0131 ya\u015fam\u0131n yan\u0131nda bulur; onu y\u00fcceltir veya anlam\u0131n\u0131 azalt\u0131r, zay\u0131flat\u0131r.\u201d<\/p>\n\n

Uzaklar Yak\u0131n Olur<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Giden geri gelmeyece\u011fine g\u00f6re hi\u00e7 mi tesellimiz yok? Asl\u0131nda, sevdiklerimizle fiziki ba\u011flar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n kopmas\u0131, manevi ba\u011flar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 ters orant\u0131l\u0131 bir bi\u00e7imde g\u00fc\u00e7lendiriyor. O insan\u0131n sa\u011fl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda, varl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda bilemedi\u011fimiz k\u0131ymetini, yoklu\u011fu ile \u00f6\u011frenmeye ba\u015fl\u0131yoruz. Burada olsa yapabileceklerini hayal ederken, ger\u00e7ekte yan\u0131m\u0131zda olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 unutuyoruz. Aram\u0131za giren fiziki mesafe, \u00fclke, bina ve \u015fartlar, bir dua veya dertle\u015fme mesafesine iniveriyor. Miras\u0131na sahip \u00e7\u0131kma kayg\u0131s\u0131, ona kar\u015f\u0131 sorumluluk hissettiriyor. Uzak kalaca\u011f\u0131z derken, tahmin edemeyece\u011fimiz kadar yak\u0131n oluveriyoruz. Fiziki kayb\u0131yla y\u00fcreklerimizde a\u00e7\u0131lan bo\u015fluk, manevi varl\u0131\u011f\u0131yla yeniden doluveriyor. B\u00f6ylece ayr\u0131l\u0131k ac\u0131s\u0131yla ba\u015fa \u00e7\u0131kmaya ba\u015fl\u0131yoruz. Ama bir an geliyor ki, ona en \u00e7ok ihtiya\u00e7 duydu\u011fumuz bir vakitte, bu yas s\u00fcre\u00e7lerini tam anlam\u0131yla atlatmam\u0131\u015f\u00e7as\u0131na, sanki ameliyat yerinin en ufak bir \u00fc\u015f\u00fctmede kendisini hat\u0131rlatmas\u0131 gibi, i\u00e7imizde bir s\u0131z\u0131 yeniden ba\u015fl\u0131yor. <\/p>\n\n

\u00d6l\u00fcm yokluk de\u011fil; sevdi\u011fimizi kaybetmiyor, sadece bir ba\u015fka \u00e2leme g\u00f6nderiyoruz. Ama bu, bir kay\u0131p verdi\u011fimiz ger\u00e7e\u011fini de\u011fi\u015ftirmiyor. Ya\u015fasayd\u0131, onunla ge\u00e7irebilece\u011fimiz zamanlar\u0131, hayat\u0131m\u0131zda doldurabilece\u011fi yeri, bize tatt\u0131rabilece\u011fi anla\u015f\u0131lma hissini, ak\u0131l almaz sorular\u0131m\u0131za verebilece\u011fi cevaplar\u0131, arkam\u0131zdan edece\u011fi duay\u0131, \u00e7aresiz hissetti\u011fimizde g\u00f6sterece\u011fi \u015fefkati, sesindeki titremeyi, g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fc ve daha nicesini kaybediyoruz. Anam\u0131z, babam\u0131z, karde\u015fimiz, evlad\u0131m\u0131z, dostumuz, hocam\u0131z, k\u0131sacas\u0131 de\u011fer verdi\u011fimiz bir insanla fiziki ba\u011flar\u0131m\u0131z kopuyor. Hatta Filistin meselesinde oldu\u011fu gibi, mazlumiyetleri h\u00fcrmetine, hi\u00e7 tan\u0131mad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z insanlar i\u00e7in de can\u0131m\u0131z ac\u0131yor. Bu sebeple kayb\u0131n bizde yara a\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, bir s\u00fcre daha a\u00e7aca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilmeye; iyile\u015fmek i\u00e7in zamana, eme\u011fe ve deste\u011fe ihtiya\u00e7 duydu\u011fumuzu kabullenmeye ihtiyac\u0131m\u0131z var. Acele etmeden, kimseye \u201cHaydi yeter art\u0131k!\u201d demeden, yasla de\u011fil ama h\u00fcz\u00fcnle ya\u015famay\u0131 \u00f6\u011frenmeye de. G\u00f6zlerimizden akan ya\u015fa m\u00e2ni olmadan; ama onu silerken de hayattan ve kulluktan geri kalmadan yola devam etmeye de. <\/p>\n\n

Teselli Birbirimizde<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Yas s\u00fcresince dualarla rabbimize s\u0131\u011f\u0131nman\u0131n d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda, \u00e7evremizdekilerden yard\u0131m almak olduk\u00e7a \u00f6nemli. Prof. Dr. Erdo\u011fan G\u00fcltekin, bu anlamda taziye ziyaretlerini bir nevi psikososyal destek gruplar\u0131 olarak nitelendiriyor. Zira duyguda\u015flar\u0131m\u0131zla birlikte olmak, anla\u015f\u0131lmak, sar\u0131lmak, ac\u0131m\u0131za \u015fifa niyetinde. Bunun d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda manevi destek almak, bibliyoterapi y\u00f6nteminin \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131nda bize iyi gelecek kitaplar\u0131 okumak, tabiat\u0131n s\u00fck\u00fbnetinden faydalanmak, kaybetti\u011fimiz ki\u015fi ya da ki\u015filerin hat\u0131ralar\u0131n\u0131 y\u00e2d edip hayat\u0131m\u0131zda var olduklar\u0131 zamanlar i\u00e7in \u015f\u00fckretmek, onlar ad\u0131na hay\u0131r hasenatta bulunmak, b\u0131rakt\u0131klar\u0131 mirasa sahip \u00e7\u0131kmak, bize iyi hissettiren \u015feyler aras\u0131nda yer al\u0131yor. Has\u0131l\u0131, derdi veren, derman\u0131n\u0131 da veriyor bir \u015fekilde. Yeter ki biz o derman\u0131 bulmak i\u00e7in gayret g\u00f6sterelim ve gerekti\u011finde derman olal\u0131m birbirimize. Ac\u0131s\u0131 olan bir yak\u0131n\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 her \u015feyden \u00f6nce sevgiyle kucaklayal\u0131m. Kaybetti\u011fi ki\u015fiyi, babas\u0131n\u0131, e\u015fini, dostunu bizzat tan\u0131masak, hi\u00e7 bilmesek bile sevdi\u011fimize yolda\u015fl\u0131k gere\u011fi, onun yas\u0131n\u0131 h\u00fcrmetle payla\u015fal\u0131m. Peygamberimizin, Medineli bir yahudinin cenazesi ge\u00e7erken aya\u011fa kalkmas\u0131 gibi, h\u00fcz\u00fcn sahiplerine ne olursa olsun h\u00fcrmet edelim. Ak\u0131l vermek, teselli etmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmak, zaten bildiklerini ona hat\u0131rlatmak yerine; dilimizle de\u011fil de g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fczle konu\u015fup ac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 anlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fal\u0131m. A\u011flarken omuz, yaln\u0131z kalmaktan korktu\u011funda yolda\u015f olal\u0131m. Anla\u015f\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hissettirelim. O ac\u0131s\u0131na sabrederken, biz de onu sab\u0131rla dinleyelim. <\/p>\n\n

Sanat\u0131n G\u00fcc\u00fc<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Sanatla me\u015fgul olmak da negatif duygularla ba\u015f etmede ba\u015fvurabilece\u011fimiz bir y\u00f6ntem. Bu anlamda sanat\u0131n terapik \u00f6zelli\u011fine dikkatlerimizi \u00e7ekiyor Ressam \u0130smail Abay: \u201cSanat, sanat\u00e7\u0131n\u0131n yolculu\u011funda kar\u015f\u0131la\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131 derin yaralara \u015fifa olan bir s\u0131rd\u0131r. Sanat\u00e7\u0131, hayat\u0131n kendisine y\u00fckledi\u011fi a\u011f\u0131r duygular\u0131 birer birer eserine aktar\u0131rken, asl\u0131nda ruhunu iyile\u015ftiren bir yolculu\u011fa \u00e7\u0131kar. Her dokunu\u015fta, her \u00e7izgide kendini a\u015farak hakikate yakla\u015f\u0131r, b\u00f6ylece ger\u00e7ek bir vuslat ve iyile\u015fme h\u00e2li ya\u015far.\u201d Abay\u2019a g\u00f6re sanat\u00e7\u0131, derdin vesilesi ile ortaya \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131\u011f\u0131 eserde derman\u0131n\u0131 bulur; hatta fark\u0131nda olmadan ba\u015fkalar\u0131na da deva ve terc\u00fcman olur. Pek \u00e7ok y\u00f6nteme ba\u015fvurmam\u0131za ra\u011fmen h\u00e2l\u00e2 yeterince iyi olam\u0131yorsak, hayat\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 idame ettirmede g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fck ya\u015f\u0131yorsak, gittik\u00e7e \u00fcmitsizlik girdab\u0131na d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyorsak, sanki bir kuyuday\u0131z da \u00e7\u0131kam\u0131yormu\u015fuz gibi hissediyorsak, sorumluluklar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 ta\u015f\u0131yam\u0131yorsak, kendimize k\u0131zmadan ve su\u00e7luluk duygusuna kap\u0131lmadan profesyonel yard\u0131m almam\u0131zda fayda var. \u201cHerkes a\u015ft\u0131 ben niye a\u015fam\u0131yorum?\u201d diye hay\u0131flanmak ve kendimizi ba\u015fkalar\u0131yla k\u0131yaslamak, yas\u0131 sonland\u0131rmak yerine daha da uzatmaya sebep oluyor ve durumu i\u00e7inden \u00e7\u0131k\u0131lmaz bir h\u00e2le getiriyor. Her duygunun bir mevsimi var ve hepsi yerinde anlaml\u0131! Nas\u0131l k\u00fcsuf namaz\u0131n\u0131n vakti, g\u00fcne\u015fin tutuldu\u011fu ansa; yas\u0131n ve sabr\u0131n vakti de kay\u0131p sonras\u0131d\u0131r. Yeter ki g\u00fcne\u015f ortaya \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131 ve \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00f6rt bir yana sa\u00e7maya ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131 h\u00e2lde karanl\u0131kta ve k\u00fcsuf secdesinde kalmayal\u0131m. <\/p>\n\n

\u00c7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131za Nas\u0131l Destek Olabiliriz?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

efat sonras\u0131, s\u00fcreci sa\u011fl\u0131kl\u0131 ya\u015famak kadar, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n yas\u0131na e\u015flik etmek de \u00f6nemli. Onlar\u0131n minicik kalplerini k\u0131rmadan, ac\u0131lar\u0131na ortak olabilmek ise olduk\u00e7a hassas bir yakla\u015f\u0131m gerektiriyor. Psikolog Reyhane Da\u011flar, \u00e7ocuklara \u00f6l\u00fcm bilgisinin mutlaka aktar\u0131lmas\u0131 ve bu haberin \u201c\u00f6l\u00fcm\u201d kelimesiyle ifade edilmesi gerekti\u011fini savunuyor. Durumu, \u201cKalbi durdu ve \u00f6ld\u00fc.\u201d gibi net ve somut bir c\u00fcmleyle a\u00e7\u0131klaman\u0131n daha uygun olaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 belirtiyor. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc, s\u00fcrece \u00e7ocuk dahil edilmezse, g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131 saklan\u0131rsa, aileyle olan aidiyet ve g\u00fcven hissi zedelenebiliyor. Bir vefat\u0131n ard\u0131ndan yap\u0131lan dualar, o ki\u015fi hakk\u0131nda anlat\u0131lan an\u0131lar ve b\u00fct\u00fcn bunlara \u00e7ocu\u011fun tan\u0131kl\u0131k etmesi, terap\u00f6tik bir etki g\u00f6steriyor. \u00c7ocuk bu s\u00fcre\u00e7ten mahrum b\u0131rak\u0131l\u0131rsa, duygular\u0131n\u0131n y\u00fck\u00fcn\u00fc tek ba\u015f\u0131na ta\u015f\u0131mak ve ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 kendisi anlamland\u0131rmak zorunda kalabiliyor. Dahas\u0131, tutulmam\u0131\u015f bir yas, \u00f6m\u00fcr boyu s\u00fcrebiliyor. <\/p>\n\n

Yeti\u015fkinlerde bile kabul\u00fc zor olan ve s\u00fcrekli gelgitler \u00e7izen bu s\u00fcreci hen\u00fcz soyut somut kavram alg\u0131s\u0131 tam oturmam\u0131\u015f bir \u00e7ocu\u011fa anlatmak, onun kafas\u0131nda kar\u0131\u015f\u0131kl\u0131\u011fa yol a\u00e7abilecek sorular\u0131 cevaplamak, \u00f6zenli bir yakla\u015f\u0131m gerektiriyor. Dr. Adem Ak\u0131nc\u0131, muhatap oldu\u011fumuz \u00e7ocu\u011fun bilgi ve alg\u0131 seviyesi ile duygu durumunun iyi g\u00f6zlemlenmesi gerekti\u011fini belirtiyor. Dr. Ak\u0131nc\u0131\u2019ya g\u00f6re \u00e7ocuklara \u00f6l\u00fcm anlat\u0131l\u0131rken olduk\u00e7a sade ve net bir dil kullan\u0131lmal\u0131. Her \u015feyin bir sonu oldu\u011fu gibi \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn de insan\u0131n bu d\u00fcnyadaki hayat\u0131n\u0131n sonu oldu\u011fu, bununla birlikte ahiretteki hayat\u0131n\u0131n ba\u015flang\u0131c\u0131 oldu\u011fu ifade edilmelidir: Ak\u0131nc\u0131, Allah\u2019\u0131, bizi i\u015fiten, dualar\u0131m\u0131za cevap veren ve merhamet eden s\u0131fatlar\u0131yla anlatman\u0131n, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n daha sa\u011fl\u0131kl\u0131 bir yas s\u00fcreci ge\u00e7irmelerine yard\u0131mc\u0131 olaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 vurguluyor. <\/p>\n\n

Psikolog \u00dcnver: \u201cKayb\u0131 Anlamak Kadar \u0130fade Etmek de \u00d6nemli!\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Yas, her ne sebeple olursa olsun, bir kayb\u0131n ard\u0131ndan bireyin i\u00e7sel d\u00fcnyas\u0131nda o durumu anlamland\u0131rma s\u00fcrecidir. Bu s\u00fcre\u00e7, bazen uzun ve zorlu bir yolculuk olabilir. Matem ise yas s\u00fcrecinde bireylerin ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 duygusal, fiziksel ve psikolojik tepkilerin d\u0131\u015fa vurulmas\u0131d\u0131r. Beyin, bu de\u011fi\u015fime uyum sa\u011flarken yas\u0131n hem ya\u015fanmas\u0131 hem de d\u0131\u015fa vurulmas\u0131 son derece \u00f6nemlidir. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc yas, yaln\u0131zca bireysel deneyimler taraf\u0131ndan de\u011fil; ayn\u0131 zamanda toplumsal ve \u00e7evresel tutumlar taraf\u0131ndan da \u015fekillenir. Ancak, yas s\u00fcrecindeki ki\u015finin, bulundu\u011fu noktada kendisiyle \u015fefkatle ve samimi bir \u201cmerak\u201d d\u00fczleminde bulu\u015fmas\u0131, potansiyel bir travman\u0131n panzehiri olacakt\u0131r. <\/p>\n\n

Psikolog K\u00fcbra \u00dcnver, kay\u0131p ya\u015fayan ki\u015finin i\u00e7sel d\u00fcnyas\u0131na y\u00f6nelik bir yakla\u015f\u0131m\u0131n, s\u00fcrecin iyile\u015ftirici g\u00fcc\u00fcn\u00fc art\u0131rabilece\u011fine dikkat \u00e7ekiyor. \u201cE\u011fer kayb\u0131m\u0131zla, de\u011fi\u015fen d\u00fcnya g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm\u00fcze diren\u00e7 g\u00f6stermeye ba\u015flarsak bu durum bizi olaylara ve bu olaylar\u0131n \u00fczerimizdeki etkilerine kar\u015f\u0131 s\u0131k\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015fl\u0131k ve \u00e7aresizlik duygusu ile ba\u015f ba\u015fa b\u0131rakabilir.\u201d diyen \u00dcnver, kayb\u0131n yarataca\u011f\u0131 duygusal dalgalanman\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcne ge\u00e7ebilmek i\u00e7in bu duygulara a\u00e7\u0131k bir \u015fekilde yakla\u015fman\u0131n \u00f6nemini vurguluyor. \u00dcnver\u2019e g\u00f6re, her kayb\u0131n anlat\u0131lmas\u0131 gereken bir hik\u00e2yesi ve bu hik\u00e2yelerin de \u201ci\u015fitilme beklentisi\u201d var. Kendisi bu durumu, \u201cO hik\u00e2yeye hep birlikte kulak vermek, sadece bir iyile\u015fme s\u00fcreci ba\u015flatmakla kalmaz, ayn\u0131 zamanda kayb\u0131 anlamland\u0131rman\u0131n en sa\u011fl\u0131kl\u0131 yoludur.\u201d diyerek a\u00e7\u0131kl\u0131yor. <\/p>\n\n

\u2013Peygamber Efendimiz, cenaze yak\u0131nlar\u0131na taziyede bulunmay\u0131 tavsiye etmi\u015f ve \u201cHer kim \u00e7ocu\u011funu kaybeden bir kad\u0131na ba\u015fsa\u011fl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ziyaretinde bulunursa, o kimseye cennette bir elbise giydirilir.\u201d buyurmu\u015ftur.<\/em><\/p>\n\n

\u2013Taziyeye gelip bizi ac\u0131m\u0131zla ba\u015f ba\u015fa b\u0131rakmayan ve derdimize ortak olan dostlar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n varl\u0131\u011f\u0131, yas s\u00fcrecimizi sa\u011fl\u0131kl\u0131 bir bi\u00e7imde ya\u015famam\u0131z\u0131 kolayla\u015f\u0131yor. Benzer tecr\u00fcbeler ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f duyguda\u015flar\u0131n deste\u011fi, \u00fczerimizde terapik bir etki olu\u015fturuyor. <\/em> <\/p>\n\n

\u2013Yas s\u00fcreci, \u00f6lmeden \u00f6nce \u00f6lme deneyimini ya\u015famak ad\u0131na bir kemalat arac\u0131na d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcr. Vefat\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n hakikati, kanal de\u011fi\u015ftiremeyece\u011fimiz ya da kafam\u0131z\u0131 \u00e7eviremeyece\u011fimiz kadar yak\u0131nd\u0131r art\u0131k.<\/em><\/p>\n\n

-Yas da insana dair her \u015fey gibi \u201cbiricik\u201d ve k\u0131yas edilemez bir s\u00fcre\u00e7. \u0130\u00e7inden ge\u00e7ilecek yollar\u0131, keskin hatlarla ayr\u0131lm\u0131\u015f de\u011fil. Pek \u00e7ok hissi ayn\u0131 anda ve h\u0131zl\u0131 ge\u00e7i\u015flerle ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z, i\u00e7imizdeki duygu denizinin gelgitleriyle ba\u015fa \u00e7\u0131kmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z bir yolculuk. <\/em><\/p>\n\n

\u201cDeath Is God\u2019s Command\u2014If Only There Were No Separation!\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n\n

Death is as human and as real as life itself. Yet, even though it is the truth, when it takes our loved ones away to the beyond, it does not prevent us from suffering. Even if death is God\u2019s decree, the pain of separation scorches our hearts. <\/p>\n\n

How does a person get used to the absence of someone they have never been \u201cwithout\u201d? When we receive the news of the death of someone we loved, valued, and dreamed of spending many more years with, we all ask the same question. We try to express our overwhelming sorrow with the limitations of words; to adapt to this new and unwanted reality; to understand its wisdom and what it may bring us. Moreover, each of us has a very different experience of this. <\/p>\n\n

For some of those we lose, we are present until their last breath and fulfill all our duties regarding their burial. For others, we can only bid farewell from afar through funeral prayers in absentia. We watch the burial of our loved ones on screens. We watch so that we can say goodbye, so that we can believe they have truly passed. As their souls walk toward the horizon, we send each one off with tears and prayers. Sometimes our emotions are locked deep in our hearts; even crying cannot extinguish the fire within. As Can Y\u00fccel said, we \u201ckeep silent by screaming.\u201d Being away is hard, but losing someone while far away\u2014unable even to perform the final duty\u2014is harder still. It is as if exile within exile. Even if we are close, the earth beneath is always a kind of exile for us. Separation from our loved ones is once and for all written into fate. <\/p>\n\n

\n\n

Separation Is Hard!<\/em><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

In his Kitabe-i Seng-i Mezar<\/em>, Orhan Veli quotes the couplet left in a coffee shop in S\u00fcleyman Efendi\u2019s handwriting:\u201cDeath is God\u2019s command \/ If only there were no separation.\u201dThe same line appears in the folk song \u015eu K\u0131\u015flan\u0131n Kap\u0131s\u0131na<\/em> and in Bar\u0131\u015f Man\u00e7o\u2019s song \u00d6l\u00fcm Allah\u2019\u0131n Emri<\/em>, as well as many other works. When an expression appears so frequently in literature and art, it means it springs from the heart, expressing people\u2019s feelings and thoughts. Yes, death is God\u2019s command! We came from Him and to Him we will return\u2014amen. Yet the ordinariness of death does not stop us from missing those with whom we once journeyed. Even our Prophet, while sending off his son Ibrahim or his uncle Hamza\u2014whom he would later reunite with in the Hereafter\u2014translated his sorrow into tears and said: <\/p>\n\n

\u201cThe eyes shed tears, the heart grieves; but we say nothing except what pleases our Lord.\u201d<\/p>\n\n

If he continued to remember his loved ones with goodness after their passing, then we too can express our pain with dignity and strive to move through our mourning process in a healthy way.<\/p>\n\n

The only reason we are shaken by the news of a family member\u2019s, dear friend\u2019s, or valued companion\u2019s death is the pain of separation. The pain of never again being able to see them with our earthly eyes, to hear their voice, to touch them, is indescribable. Especially if that person held a unique place in our lives, we feel as though a piece of our own heart has been torn away with their departure. If they were the mountain we leaned on, the ground shifts beneath our feet. While our mind says \u201cDeath is God\u2019s command,\u201d our heart cries \u201cIf only there were no separation,\u201d and our inner self burns like fire. If they were our guide, we are left in darkness. If they were the source of our prayers, our roof collapses, snow falls upon us, cold seeps into our bones. If they were oppressed, if they left without justice, we cannot accept their departure; the scream we cannot utter chokes us. If they were young, the dreams of what we could not live with them burn our chest. If they were a child\u2026 no word has yet been invented to describe that. <\/p>\n\n

\n\n

A Confusion of Feelings<\/em><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Upon receiving the painful news, we first feel regret for not appreciating our loved one while they were alive or for the moments we did not live with them. The \u201cif only\u201d thoughts line up one by one. Then comes the anxiety of forgetting them. When we smile or get busy with something else, we scold ourselves: \u201cSee, I told you\u2014you\u2019re starting to forget!\u201d For a while, moving on with life feels like a crime. Later, we try to console ourselves by remembering the pain, suffering, or illness they endured while alive and thinking they are now delivered. But then we feel helpless for not having been able to ease their life here. Changing the number of plates we set at the table, altering the prayers we made for their health, distributing their belongings or room\u2014all feel unbearably difficult. We miss their breath, their scent, their voice. Not knowing how to continue life without them turns even the biggest adult into a child. In the mourning house, a person begins to cook forty different emotions in the pot of grief\u2014like a pudding of many flavors. Life throws us from slow simmer to roaring fire with this inexpressible pain. <\/p>\n\n

\n\n

Our Pain Is Unique<\/em><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

No one knows how to get used to an unwanted separation. Death is indeed God\u2019s command. Humans come into this world not only to live but also to die. If one\u2019s age has reached maturity, this is even more expected. Yet, the normality and naturalness of something may convince the mind but is not enough to soothe the heart. Because feelings do not operate with logic. Words like \u201cThey were old, they were sick, they were suffering, God saved them, they are more at peace where they went\u201d do not even come close to consoling us. People do not suffer because death seems illogical; they suffer because they do not know how to cope with the physical absence of someone who was always there. When faced with the unknown, people panic. For death transforms not only the departed but also those left behind. Everyone experiences this transformation through what the lost person represented in their own life. Just as the same virus causes different reactions in different people, so too pain leaves a unique mark on every soul. <\/p>\n\n

\n\n

Which Way Is Right?<\/em><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

That first, almost unconscious reflex we show upon hearing the bad news gives us clues about how we will go through the mourning process. It lets us observe our pain threshold and our ways of coping with the emotion. Some of us, already traumatized for other reasons, may show stronger reactions to sorrowful news. Others deny the pain, run from it, keep themselves constantly busy to avoid remembering it. Some oscillate between these two states. We may think we\u2019ve reached the height of composure and everything is under control, only to find ourselves overwhelmed by sudden reminders. Moreover, we do not enter these emotional waves by choice; we are tested in our ability to manage our emotions. <\/p>\n\n

\n\n

They Die, We Awaken<\/em><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

In psychology, mourning is described as a reconciliation with reality in order to cope with loss. This process can arise not only from death but also from migration, financial loss, or separation from a beloved. But of course, the most intense mourning occurs in those left behind after a death. <\/p>\n\n

The Swedish psychiatrist K\u00fcbler-Ross lists five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The British psychiatrist John Bowlby, on the other hand, lists four stages: \u201cnumbness-protest,\u201d \u201cyearning and searching,\u201d \u201cemotional disorganization and despair,\u201d and \u201creorganization.\u201d Despite some nuanced differences, both descriptions share common features. <\/p>\n\n

Generally, in the first stage, tension, anger, and fear become prominent. In the second stage, along with the feeling that the world is meaningless and empty, thoughts of the deceased, restlessness, crying, and anger appear. In the third stage, persistent unrest, withdrawal from social activities, and frequent recollection of memories stand out. In the fourth and final stage\u2014finally\u2014the process of accepting and forming a positive relationship with the lost person dominates. <\/p>\n\n

\n\n

Should We Seek Help?<\/em><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Prof. Dr. Erdo\u011fan G\u00fcltekin finds it normal to see depressive reactions such as loss of appetite, disrupted sleep, withdrawal, and unwillingness to speak in the initial stages after a loss. But if the depressive state\u2014what we might call emotional disintegration and despair\u2014lasts longer than usual, he recommends seeking help. <\/p>\n\n

Although these reactions are intense at first, a return to normalcy is expected during the acceptance stage. According to G\u00fcltekin, isolating a bereaved person increases the risk of depression. Sharing feelings with close ones helps pass through this difficult period more healthily. If feelings are not expressed and shared, mourning is postponed, which may later lay the groundwork for psychosomatic illnesses or behavioral problems. <\/p>\n\n

\n\n

Can Mourning Ever Be Finished?<\/em><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n

Psychologist Zeynep Selvili Batuk, who focused on grief after her father\u2019s death, says that explaining mourning through stages helps us understand the process, reinforces our sense of prediction and control, and normalizes what we experience. Yet, she notes, prevailing models also leave gaps and can even \u201cabnormalize\u201d what they aim to normalize. Because just as we cannot tolerate unanswered questions, we do not like stories without endings. We universally seek \u201ccompletion.\u201d We want the mourning process\u2014whatever combination of stages it follows\u2014to end in \u201cacceptance.\u201d <\/p>\n\n

Drawing from her own experience, Batuk prefers to define grief differently:<\/p>\n\n

\u201cAfter a certain time, emotional and behavioral reactions decrease. What we thought would never subside does. Our grief changes; but like the rhythm of the sea, it keeps moving. It swells and then recedes. Then swells again and recedes again. It is more a state of being on a path where denial and acceptance intertwine. It is not a stop reached once with absolute acceptance but a station visited again and again. Because every loss, with its many layers, has its own infinity.\u201d<\/p>\n\n

Every person\u2019s grieving process\u2014the order of the stations, how long they stay at each one, their behaviors\u2014differs according to the principle of human uniqueness. These behaviors depend both on the emotional state of the bereaved and on factors such as whether the death was sudden, the nature of the death, the age of the deceased, and our closeness to them. But there is one thing that should never be done: comparing reactions or competing over pain. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00d6l\u00fcm de hayat kadar insana dair ve hakikat! Bununla birlikte, hakikat olmas\u0131, sevdiklerimizi al\u0131p \u00f6telere g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde, ac\u0131 \u00e7ekmemize m\u00e2ni olam\u0131yor. \u00d6l\u00fcm Allah’\u0131n emri olsa da ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n s\u0131z\u0131s\u0131 sinemizi yak\u0131yor. Hi\u00e7 \u201consuz\u201d kalmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 birinin yoklu\u011funa nas\u0131l al\u0131\u015f\u0131r insan?\u201d Sevdi\u011fimiz, k\u0131ymet verdi\u011fimiz, uzun y\u0131llar birlikte olmay\u0131 hayal etti\u011fimiz birinin vefat haberini ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zda, ayn\u0131 soruyu sorar\u0131z hepimiz. Boyumuzu […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9843","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9843","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9843"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9843\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9844,"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9843\/revisions\/9844"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9843"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9843"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/elifnesibe.com\/tr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9843"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}