Marriage Death!

Can people who cannot manage their marriages civilly succeed in divorcing civilly and continue their relationship as the parents of their children?

The story begins with a "Yes!" and ends with another "Yes!" In one, excitement, love, and fear make one's heart beat; in the other, anger, pain, and anxiety make one's heart ache. The nest built with the excitement of the first "yes" ends with the second "yes" that knots in the throat. Whether it happens for justifiable reasons or with trivial excuses, divorce is the death of the husband-wife relationship, and like any death, it brings its mourning afterward!

Negative emotions experienced in marriages without children can be more easily overcome at the end. However, if there are children involved, the situation requires couples to continue their relationship under the labels of "former spouse" and "mother" or "father." Even if you resign from being a "spouse," you continue to be a "parent." This often brings to mind the question, "Since I can't completely separate, should I continue for my children?" Just as marriage is not for the sake of children, the decision to divorce or continue should not be made for the sake of children either. Managing the process by considering the children, without being selfish, without giving in to personal emotions and impulses, is one thing; making statements like "I got married for the children!", "I separated for the child/children!", or "Even though I'm unhappy, I'm continuing for them." is another. Because making decisions solely for the sake of children can also result in burdening them with the responsibility of that decision.

So, how can people who cannot manage their marriages civilly succeed in divorcing civilly and continue their relationship as the parents of their children?

In this file, we will try to address the factors leading married couples to the divorce process, the meaning and cost of separation, and the situations of spouses and children before, during, and after divorce. Before this, we started with the title "I Never Knew You/Knew Me!" and continued with the file "Even if We Clash, We're Together!" where we examined the fundamental cycles of marriage, and as sad as it may be, we will conclude with the divorce file.

Bells of Danger Marriage and divorce therapist John Gottman lists the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" that end relationships as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling! Unfortunately, couples often seek help or counseling only after they are in trouble, instead of seeking it when they see these signs. However, we can see the beginning of the problem in the words couples say to each other, in the failure of attempts to repair, or in physiological responses like overflow.

Nevertheless, even a marriage on the verge of collapse can be revived with the right help. Marriages collapse not just because of a lack of effort, but also because of not showing the right effort in the right place, time, and manner.

Not Rejection of Inheritance but Construction of Inheritance Walls Quality effort begins with believing that a relationship also has a soul and its wounds need to be healed. Just as water, formed by the combination of hydrogen and oxygen, is a new substance independent of them, similarly, a relationship rooted in a man and a woman is a new color that carries the characteristics of both individuals but also has differences. Of course, this color carries traces of individuals' past, family, and traumas. The secret lies in whether couples will continue the extension of the past in this new life they have created together or whether they will notice their own voids, wounds, stay away from their negative effects, and write a new and original story.

Of course, every couple has an emotional legacy. We must be able to carefully remove those that cause negative reactions like stones in rice, and multiply those that contribute positively with care! However, only an individual who is aware of what they bring from their past to their new home and can set boundaries when necessary can do this.

Just as justification does not bring happiness in marital conflicts, blaming the other party during divorce does not save one from the effects of what they will experience. Individuals with underdeveloped emotional responsibility mechanisms cannot know themselves before marriage or decide what they want or don't want. These types cannot effectively participate in the repair processes throughout the marriage. Even when it comes to divorce, they cannot give up blaming their spouses, even if they say, "We prioritize the children."

In a marriage that started with a cup already full, every familiar behavior that opens old wounds causes a much greater reaction than it deserves. Ironically, blaming the other party during marital conflicts or during the divorce process does not save one from the effects of what they will experience.

Psychologist Tülay Kök believes that every relationship, whether it starts like a dream or as an experiment, is prone to problems over time. These unresolved problems, experienced and not resolved over time, begin to accumulate. Finally, there comes a time when we cannot find a place to put these problems that we have crammed into closets. Divorce is like trying to buy a new closet instead of cleaning the