I've realized I've never really known you/me!

Why do people get married? Is it because they are in love? Or is it because their parents want them to, because it's the right age, because they're afraid of being alone and of sinning? Or is it to have children, to get rid of economic worries, to straighten out their lives, to gain social status with a suitable partner, or to become more attentive to their religious life and fulfill the worship they couldn't do before?

In psychologist Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs theory, all of the above tendencies that lead us to marriage are present. It's perfectly normal for a person to consider all of these things when getting married. What's important here is whether, after going through these inquiries, these means we see as goals, we can actually see the target we want to reach. Because at the top of our list of needs, there's a rather difficult item called self-actualization! In other words, a person is building a ladder to find out who they really are through all of their other needs. Those who haven't made self-actualization their main goal, no matter how much they fulfill their other needs, never seem to be satisfied in life.

This understanding of "turning means into ends," unfortunately, also comes into play in our decision to take the step towards marriage. The establishment of a peaceful atmosphere in our future home, not stopping to look at all these things that bother our minds before marriage, not questioning where our awareness stands in the list of needs, in short, not being able to find a logical answer to the question "why am I getting married" makes it difficult. Because we didn't ask ourselves the right questions before deciding to get married, the wrong answer comes from our partner during the marriage process. When we blame our partner, saying "I've never really known you," during the first argument, we're actually saying, "I've never really known myself. I haven't foreseen what to expect from marriage, the consistency of these expectations, my sharp and dark corners, what I can say yes or no to... In short, I've never envisioned the married version of myself." Unfortunately, we often don't listen to these confessions.

Clinical psychologist Esranur Aslan attributes this vicious cycle to becoming desensitized to one's trauma over time, and being unable to discover certain aspects of oneself. We begin to notice our traumas, experiences, and the schemas they create through our spouse and the relationship we establish with them. Then, forgetting that we are actually looking for what is in ourselves, we say, "I've never really known you." At this point, Aslan provides a striking example: "If you constantly hold hands while climbing a mountain, you will fall from the slopes very badly. Life is essentially a path that one walks alone. Knowing oneself is the purpose of a person's life, whether they marry or not."

Discovering and realizing oneself, in other words, evolution, is a lifelong process. Of course, this depends on what one wants to discover in oneself. Then does that mean a person who will never get married? Certainly not! Here, the point of discovery is being aware of oneself and the world they live in, having sufficient maturity, being conscious of marriage, and moreover, being open to change and transformation when necessary.

Psychiatrist Işılay Yatkın believes that logic should prevail when making one of the most important decisions of our lives. She says, "Love is an obsession. The desire to constantly see them, the heart fluttering with a message, the desire to spend all your time with them... We can call all of these a kind of obsession. These feelings can be much stronger in some people. Moreover, they can lead to overlooking the flaws of the other person. According to Yatkın, love is actually seeing the reflection of your own mind behind a veil. It's not seeing the other person. Therefore, it's crucial for an individual not to prioritize love in the marriage process, not to exclude logic, and to be able to make grounded evaluations without idealizing the other person.

Esranur Aslan also believes that we often impose our own thoughts on our interlocutors during the first meeting. She says, "When your interlocutor listens politely, you think they also think like you. With that excitement, your mirror neurons say, 'So they're just like you.' However, the reality is quite different. The other person doesn't contradict your thoughts to avoid being impolite." If we listen to Aslan, the most important thing to do during the first meetings is to observe carefully: "You've spoken, but have you given yourself the opportunity to know your interlocutor by seeing their demeanor and attitude?" To create this opportunity, she has a small suggestion: "Get rid of questions like 'How do I look, will they like me?' and concentrate on getting to know the person in front of you."

Therefore, Esranur recommends that couples who find common ground meet at least three times and remain engaged for no less than six months. "I say this because I have a relationship that started