Even When We Clash, We Are Together

Is marriage merely about sleeping and waking up together, raising children, or living under the same roof? Or is it a shared culture created by two people who accept to share their lives? And is conflict between spouses really the spice of marriage?As a child, I used to watch the vehicles passing over the Bosphorus Bridge from the window of our house. The idea that the routine of traveling from Uskudar to Besiktas in ten minutes was actually the same as traveling between two continents, that is, from Asia to Europe, seemed astonishing.

Marriage seems to resemble Turkey's geopolitical position in a way. On the one hand, it's an easy phenomenon that allows everything with a simple marriage, setting out with the thought, "Love solves everything," while holding the hand of the beloved, making everything possible with a marriage ceremony. On the other hand, it's a compelling concept that accepts two people who probably have never met until a short time ago in their lives, who come from different families, cultures, and backgrounds, to be each other's closest. An extraordinary journey from never meeting to becoming the closest! Moreover, like any journey, it's an adventure where you cannot stay where you started and you will change and transform.

Embarking on a quest for the elixir of immortality like Gilgamesh; after engaging in various battles, fighting giants, and sometimes falling into despair thinking that you might not find it, undergoing a transformation process where you realize that what you really wanted is not that elixir. A journey with bumps, potholes, curves, intersections, and lights, which requires time, patience, and effort, just like any journey.But what if there were a navigation device that shortened this learning process? What if this device could offer alternative routes that could lead to the same destination and suggest ways to reduce travel time? What if it could show clearly all the roads we have passed, where we are now, and all the roads we will go through? Wouldn't that be great?Don't Set Out on the Road of Love Without a Map!

When I read the lines about the love map, the first principle mentioned in the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and Nan Silver, who conducted experimental research on thousands of married couples for many years at the Love Lab they established with his wife Julie, one of the first names that comes to mind when it comes to couple therapy in the world today, I saw the possibility of this wish coming true. According to Gottman, couples with emotional intelligence are more successful in getting to know each other, having detailed knowledge about their partner's past, and updating this information with experiences. According to him, couples without a love map do not know each other fully. It's impossible to talk about quality love between a couple who have never really met.

The ignorance caused by the lack of this map can lead to sudden and major changes during marriage, causing the route to be lost.The Five Basic Love LanguagesWhen drawing the "Love Map" of our relationship, it's also worth looking at psychologist Gary Chapman's theory of the "Five Love Languages." Chapman likens love languages to our native languages. Chapman, who reached these five basic languages as a result of twenty years of marriage counseling experience, points out that men and women usually do not speak the same love language; even if they do, they may not have the same accent. In short, if we want to establish real communication with our partner, we need to learn both our own love language and theirs!If we want to integrate love, affection, and relationship, we need to fill our love tanks mutually.

Chapman compares this situation to keeping the fuel tank of a car full during a long journey: Just as a car cannot move with an empty tank, a marriage where love is not flowing mutually cannot function or can only move forward with difficulty. Because the fundamental need behind all desires related to marriage is the need to feel loved by one's spouse. When this basic need is shaken, everything else begins to be questioned.People with empty love tanks struggle not only in their marriages but also in realizing their individual potentials.

Of course, for this to happen, one must first love oneself and make efforts in the relationship based on the principle of "How can I love my partner more?" rather than "I wish my partner loved me more."When we talk about love, we're not referring to the strange feeling that's often attempted to be proven with cliché phrases like "We must love each other since we got married!" or "What am I doing with you if I don't love you?"! Nor is it the kind of love that sweeps us off our feet, momentarily suspending our realistic and rational sides. Because love, although its duration depends on the format of the relationship and the characteristics of the parties involved, is an emotion whose temporariness is unquestionably accepted. Of course, it's very beautiful and special. Especially, starting a marriage with love seeds is very meaningful. However, as Chapman also said, this is only the beginning of the marriage novel. The essence of the novel is a logical, rational, will

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